Secret Ghost Town

I have debated on sharing this place for a while now, as I don't want anyone to know where it is, so just back off okay? Stay away from this little piece of heaven! I have a fantasy that one day I will be able to get my hands on the vast amount of treasures in this place. It is by far the best little ghost town I've come across and considering I only get here about every 7 years, the fact it is still the same as it always was is really impressive. Most places like this would have been ransacked and vandalized decades ago.

The town didn't have much back in the day - a stone mill, a gas station/general store, a few houses and a blacksmith (or something like that - we'll say there was a blacksmith because that's what all those olde timey towns had, right?) The mill is privately owned now and full to the tits with antiques! It doesn't seem like anyone is there much though, as a few windows are broken and it's a bit dishevelled inside.

The old house is pretty much a horror show. Imagine being in there, alone at midnight, and seeing a demon baby popping its head out from that giant bucket of a baby buggy. Then, imagine that demon baby eating your face while bats swarmed your hair and tarantulas gnawed at your toes. While all this was happening, and you're screaming and writhing in agony, a zombie Celine Dion would pop in through that back door singing her terrifying cover of Michael Jackson's BAD. Yup. 

There's an old chicken coop/barn behind the house that is full of stuff, too. There were so many amazing crates in there I was getting twitchy with the urge of pulling a five finger discount with some of these orphans. Old bikes, crates, wooden chairs, etc - all just left to sit in here and rot away. 

So much amazing barn board, and these wooden beams? People would pay good money for this shit! I could even sell those tires on Etsy for $85 a piece as "upcycled repurposed vintage rustic modern salvaged steampunk" outdoor planters, right? RIGHT?

(Crap photo, I know, but it was really dark!)

Amazing things lie around in here I tells ya! Old signs, a large oak storage cupboard, a ton of old metal parts, crates, tools, cage lights - it is endless. I'm twitching now, just thinking about it all just hanging around in there. How this place has managed to stay this way for so many years is beyond me. There are so many rednecks everywhere, why haven't they smashed everything, stolen all the good stuff and pissed and shit in the corner!? That's what they usually do in places like these. Perhaps the houses that are nearby deter the buck-toothed folk from hanging around in here too long.

Oh well, it's just a matter of time now. Considering the fact that 85% of my readers are inbred rednecks (not you, of course!), I'm sure they'll find this place and destroy it soon enough. 

Thonet Down!

Whenever I hear the word Thonet (which isn't really ever in these parts) I hear someone saying "tawn it down!" with a speech impediment Boston accent. Who knew the proper pronunciation was tawn-at (probably everyone)? Anyway, who cares, I found these piece of shit Thonet style chairs at a yard sale on the weekend. I'm not even a huge fan of these chairs but you know what? I kind of like this style and with a quick little fix up I figured they'd do well in my dining room (oh and they were $5 each).

Yup, the seat was all smashed out of them both so someone made wooden seat tops for them with ugly orange fabric. They were in rough shape and needed a sanding and repaint but that was easy enough.

These babes were made by Ligna of Czechoslovakia way back in the day and look pretty swell now (I think). I had some green thin canvas material that I just stapled over the poopy orange stuff and voila!

I will be working on a total revamp of my dining room in the next month or two so now I'm on the hunt for more of these chairs (without arms though) and/or plain ladder back chairs I can paint black. I'm moving on from the teak Danish stuff I have in there now. I'm going modern minimalist German commando in there, people (or something like that)! 

Hoarding Pictures of Hoarders Houses: Grow Op

"Oh no no, you will NOT throw that there pot away! I may need that next spring for the 350,000 seedlings I plan on plantin'. You put that right back, sonny boy!"

"But Great Grandpa Gerkin, you said that last spring...and the spring before...and the spring before..."

"I don't give two hoots what I says years before you little shit, I says next year I'ma gonna do it an' toil them there fields! As soon as I make some repairs to the tractor I'll be rarin' to go."

"Grandpa, that tractor has been sitting there for 17 years..."

"And what about your greenhouse, Grandpa? You were going to clean that place up as soon as you were all healed up from your hemorrhoid surgery. That was three years ago." 

"Nevermind that, boy! As soon as this here goiter has cleared up an' I can bend my neck down again I'll be right out there gettin' busy. I swears!"

My Mom, Mrs. Brown

Remember a while back when I featured my mom's amazing little house? Well, I wanted to share a few of her collections of dishes and housewares with you as I'm sure you will appreciate some of her little hoarded piles. She's like a little chipmunk, stockpiling coordinated items for future enjoyment. I used to make fun of her for it, especially when she amassed a trunk full of 50s chrome toasters and blenders, "In case one crapped out", but I have started doing the same in recent years so...

Her latest dish obsession is this pattern called 'Midwinter'. They're white with brown flecks and rims and were made in England (which always scores some extra, um, brownie points). We've slowly been piecing together a collection for her and I'm sure as soon as she's up to her eyeballs in the stuff she'll find something new (and vintage... and brown...) to latch onto.

She has a platter fetish and likes to collect a mishmash of them, but they HAVE to be vintage. She hates new dishes. She gets all twitchy and aggravated if a new plate touches her fingers, let alone comes into the house.

She's also obsessed with plain white restaurant ware...

...wooden bowls...

...white pots...

...wooden trays...

...hand turned candle holders...

...Dansk pepper mills (I think they just keep showing up at her door like stray kittens!)...

...mid century serving utensils...

...smoked glassware...

...and she also loves art pottery (preferably without a glaze. She's never been a fan of shiny things, she wouldn't even let my dad get a new TV or laptop that had a shiny black finish). I should also add that some of these collections shown are just samples of a larger group - the table wasn't big enough for it all!

Perhaps one day I'll show you her wardrobe full of vintage purses and shoes (all mostly brown). She may even get up the nerve to allow me to take a picture of her to share with alls y'all!

Passing Wind

Last Saturday we had a crazy wind storm that lasted almost 24 hours straight. Not only did we have more than 150 of my neighbour's rotten shingles blow all over our yard, we had a 70 foot blue spruce come crashing down as well.

Oh, how it broke my heart to see this fall. 

We figure it was about 50 years old. 

Lucky for us, we have amazing neighbours and parents who are quite handy with things like chainsaws and manly muscle power. It took us the entire day to slay this beast.

Eww, now all of that lattice is so exposed! Also, my neighbour's tip of a house is front and centre on that side. Ugh, I have to plant more vines this spring to cover that up. Perhaps a more permanent solution would be just to build a 20 foot stone wall between us...

Now it's just a tree volcano. Nature can be such an asshole.

Take Your Lumps.

(The photos in this post are pretty low quality. Most were taken on my old iPhone but you'll get the drift, right?)

Okay, so I have this huge lump on my right middle finger.

As if my hands weren't horrendous enough, now I have this small child of a tumor growing on one of my stumps. This lump didn't used to be this big, no no, it was just a teeny tiny thing two years ago when it first appeared. You see, way back when I was restoring the 44 wood windows in my house I started suffering from carpal tunnel and other hand/wrist pains. So what did I do? Go to the doctor? Noooooo, I just carried on doing other laborious jobs like painting my entire house (inside and out), sanding furniture, gardening and lawn work, etc. Well obviously I was an idiot because this lump is now huge - it talks and even eats with its own knife and fork. 

I am finally having it removed next week and it has meant a few trips to the doctor's office for check ups and xrays to make sure I didn't have cancer of the middle finger (oh the irony and karma would have been just too much if that were the case. I can't tell you how many people I have given the finger to with this very digit over the years). The doctor thinks the lump was likely caused by an injury from all the repetitive manual labour I've been doing since I moved here. See? DIY isn't all it's cracked up to be! Why do you think roofers, landscapers, etc all have bad backs, bum knees and skin cancer? Because home maintenance is a health hazard. 

All this lump stuff has led me to ponder very deep questions about life, such as what the hell hospitals, dentists and doctors are thinking with the peach and blue color combo!? Is it supposed to be a relaxing palette chosen especially for people with lumps, mobility scooters and oxygen tanks? 

Is this 'industrial' look going to be trendy 20 years from now? 

Maybe this huge plastic Herman Miller shelf will be a design collectible of the future? "I'm just dying to get my hands on one of those beige, plastic Herman Miller medical wall shelves from 2012 but they're so hard to find. They're going for $6500 on eBay!"

And this lamp? How on-trend is this floor lamp? Do you think people would want it as bad if they knew it was used to peer into women's vaginas for the last 30 years? Probably...I guess that's what gives it its 'character'. Speaking of character, note the 70s oven mitts on the examination table...

I'm not so sure any tongue depressor is ideal.

And could a bed pan ever be perfection? I guess it could be if it was 100 years old and had been peed and pooped into a minimum of 75 times by a soldier in the first world war. Then it would be collectible, right?  

Does your doctor's office creep you out?

Did Doogie Howser M.D. have a peach and blue office?
Are we looking at a future trend in the making?