Stick That In Your Pipe & Smoke It.

Aww shit, I may have just received another calling to start a new collection. Just when I thought my house was becoming wonderfully sparse and practical, along comes a duo so powerful, so unusual that I MAY just have a new obsession starting. That obsession, my friends, is old men smoking pipes. And not just a photo, not a painting but old lady needlepoint masterpieces!

Look at these dudes! More importantly, look at the guy on the left. I am in love with this guy. He's part dirty old fisherman, part sailor and part garden gnome. 

They are both really well done and signed by the old lady who made them. Here's the thing, I love the gnome sailor and he is going in my bedroom for sure. I don't mind the leprechaun guy and he kind of goes with the other one but I could also just sell him and commit to the one I truly love (life lesson?). 

OR... I could try and collect about 6 or 7 of these needlepoint pipe smokers and have a crazy wall full of these guys. That could take me years though and where would I put a wall of old geezers? I just don't know...

Before & After. The Carpal Tunnel Diaries: 185 Year Old House Edition

Wanna see a few before & after shots of my house? Yea? Okay, great! Let's do this!

Okay, hold up! Before we get to the afters, I want you to see how dark our kitchen was when we bought the place. The weeds had grown so high around the house, the light could barely get in.

The kitchen was a disgusting butter yellow tobacco stain color and we had to paint every single nook and cranny of this room to be rid of the putrid hue.

Eww! There was also a faux wood vinyl floor in here.

I still have to install a range hood over the stove and new lighting but it's SO much brighter than it was before. Also, what is up with people and their need to have an eat-in kitchen when the dining room is right beside it!? People! You only need one big table to eat at, the whole concept of two eating sections in your house - one for fancy ladies and one for scumbags - is archaic and must stop! I can see a breakfast bar or a few stools at an island but two full tables!?...okay whoa, gotta get a grip.

My after photo of the laundry room/downstairs bathroom is a little unexciting and small, but you get the point right? Horrible faux stone tile vinyl floors with a builder's sink from Home Depot and some chair rail!? Bleck! I ripped that pretend period feature crap right outta there.

I don't have too much to say about the former owner's office space other than... it sucked shit.

You know, for an old lady her living room wasn't all that bad...except for the fact that it was staged by the realtor. Apparently it was chocked FULL of boxes and crap from floor to ceiling before she put the house up for sale. My living room was a former hoarder headquarters, people!

Nothing says 80s country more than lace curtains and pink striped wallpaper. Luckily, whoever put the wallpaper up really sucked at it so it peeled off really easily. (This room is getting yet another transformation so I should have some new before and after photos for you soon).

Now onto the outside...

The front of the house had crappy homemade plywood entrance posts that we got rid of because they looked super cheap and tacky (someone who once lived here was really into faux period features). The windows and doors were a reddish burgundy color (one of my most hated colors ever) and it was peeling off quite badly. Did I mention there was a ton of weeds? Yea, an acre of weeds to be exact!

 

We battled these weeds for two long years...

And finally, here is the difference between now and then:

We still have a long way to go with some of the landscaping and we're debating on painting the house dark gray but, for now, this is how it looks. 

Do you think we should change the color of the exterior? If so, to what?

Should I paint the trim around the windows, etc a different color from the rest of the house so they stand out or leave them the same so they blend in?

Do all of my curtains need to have black backings so the white doesn't show from the outside?

Do you think my house looks scary?

Who farted?

What's in Yer Guts?

Okay people, I have a request for whoever may be interested. I have always had a bit of an obsession with the inside of people's refrigerators, freezers and cupboards and closets. Yesterday I came across some great photos by artist Mark Menjivar that I thought were pretty great. These photos got me thinking, 'I wonder what the inside of (insert name here) fridge looks like?" To satisfy my curiosity, I want you to send me a photo of the inside of your fridge and/or freezer. You don't need to clean it or neatly align your tofu bricks or anything, I want to see it how it would look on an average day. I can't promise I won't make fun of you and/or your food choices but I'll try to be as nice as possible. If you're interested, email me a photo to thevintagecabin at gmail dot com by Monday, November 29 and include your first name (or make one up). Once I have a good assortment of photos, I'll post 'em all here for your viewing (dis)pleasure and at that point we can all analyze the shit out of each other. In the meantime, here's a photo of my pantry (on a very good day of organization and cleanliness).

What does this say about me?
Am I a repressed, hyper-organized clean freak?
Do I need to get a life?
Am I a wino?
What's in those big tubs?
Maybe this isn't even THAT organized?
How come fridge is spelled with a D but refrigerator isn't?
 

Bleak.

I don't know about you guys, but I think apartment blocks (especially the dumps built in the 70s and 80s) have got to be one of the most depressing places you could ever live in.

I would rather live in a cardboard box outside of a sewage treatment plant than live here. 

The weird thing is, as much as these make me want to cut my own head off, I also find these sort of abodes strangely fascinating. Were these buildings once considered 'nice'? Were they always so utilitarian looking? Why would anyone choose to live here? It's not as though the rent is all that much cheaper than a nicer looking place. Are all of the condos that are being built everywhere going to look like this in 20 years?

I can just smell the combination of 250 different dinners being cooked when I look at this photo. Add in some old lady's Febreze addiction and some pee-stained hallway rugs and you get the picture.

The one perk I guess is that they all have pretty decent sized balconies (to jump from).

I apologize if any of my readers live in something like this. To me, it would be as bad as a night's stay at the Ryugyong Hotel in North Korea (aka, the Hotel of Doom).

Half-assed...er, I mean Homemade Pendant Cage Lights

As part of my bedroom redecorating project, I wanted to create a pair of hanging industrial cage lights on the cheap. Normally, these lights can run you anywhere from $50 all the way up to several hundred dollars.
Why are they so bloody expensive? I have no idea.

Many months ago, I came across two older metal cages at the thrift store for a quarter each and nabbed the bastards hoping that one day I'd find a use for them somewhere. I had my mom pick me up some old cloth wire from one of the craziest antique shops you've ever seen. It was free!

I bought a pair of silver sockets at the hardware store for $5 each and two Ferro Watt reproduction Edison bulbs off of eBay for $7 each. I got my dad to wire the sockets since I have a bad track record with electrical stuff...let's just say I once caused an explosion and a small fire because of my shoddy work.

I spray painted the sockets and then sanded the paint off so they wouldn't look so shiny and new.

After that, I put everything together and hung them.

 I must say, they kind of look like a pair of whisks hanging from the ceiling...

On multiple occasions I have boldly stated that I want to live in a simple, almost communist style house with bare bulbs hanging down, a plate, a fork and a mattress on the floor. With these lights, I'm almost there.

I may remove the cages and just have the bulbs hanging on their own but I'm not sure yet. Regardless, I'll show you these shabby bleak suckers in the full context of the room once it's finished. I think I probably spent about $30 on everything, the most expensive item being the bulbs. Now I just have to decide if I like them or not...

Hoarding Photos of Hoarder's Houses: Welcome to the Dollhouse

Okay, I'll start off by saying that this place isn't actually all that bad compared to a lot of the dumps I've seen in my life. The lawn is mowed and free of collections, there's no crap lying all over the driveway and you can actually walk up to the front door without having to climb over shit (well, almost). I still think this place is disturbing though and I have a feeling that the inside of this house is a hoarding freak show full of dolls, teacups, rotting scones and inspirational wall hangings. 

"Welcome, Friends."

Icicle lights make me want to slit my wrists with the smashed head of a porcelain doll.

Candles and white wicker, angels and fairies, dusty rose and potpourri...these are the ingredients that make a true, feminine woman.

Look! There's a mime!

I just know there is a "Please Use Side Door" sign about to be hung here. Just give it a few more months for the piles to grow...

Abandoned: Bernie McFearney's Farm

Every spring I take a walk with my family (both human and canine) out to an old homestead. We dig up ferns, grapevines and dogwood for our gardens from this area, which goes on for miles. There's not much around there other than the odd 4 wheeling rednecks, the distant sound of chainsaws and some turkey vultures that hover overhead.  Despite the eerie nature of the place, it's actually quite a nice walk...except for the part when you get to Bernie McFearney the serial killer's house. (There isn't actually a serial killer named Bernie McFearney, I just made that up. Or did I...?)

This was once a thriving family farm that would have been accessed only by horse and buggy but now it's just a place where people get ground up into sausages, salami and other lunch meats.

There are two huge barns on the property that seem a bit odd when you start to look closely...

Oh, it's just some numbers and Masonic symbols cut into the wood...

Okay, I know what you're thinking, there's a noose and an old deteriorating boot lying under it. So what! It's not as though someone hung themselves in there or anything...

Anyone care to have a slumber party here with me?

If I planned an Avon party at this place with some fancy loose leaf tea and those little egg salad sandwiches, 

would any of you come?

I'm Jealous of Monique & Keith Keegan

In the last few years, I have become a fan of Country Living magazine. Yea, there, I said it okay? The once stodgy and floral wallpaper-filled granny magazine is actually pretty decent now, especially since they decided to breathe new life into it with some young editorial staff. (The UK version of Country Living is still pretty bad though, I must say). In a recent issue, they featured the home of a couple named Keith & Monique Keegan. When I was looking back through an older issue, I came across another property of theirs, their cottage, and kind of shit myself from jealousy.

That cabin sign makes me weak in the knees.

I kind of hate their guts. They drive an old, green '53 Chevy on their junk runs and in addition to being a talented interior designer, Monique also owns a shop called Enjoy Co. which looks pretty interesting. Why can't I drive an old beater truck and find amazing stuff like they do on a regular basis? Oh yea, because I'm a loser.

Their newest home is pretty great too. 

Although some of the rooms are a little suburban in ways, the place is still pretty incredible overall. 

You can see the full house tour here. 

Bedroom Battle.

Call me a fascist, but I am in love with all things military (well, except for the part where we go to war and shoot, kill and torture each other). When I think back through all of the phases I've gone through in fashion & decor, I've never tired of the color schemes and tailored look of military style. I've already gone in a military direction with our spare room and I'm pretty sure the outside of our house looks like some sort of army/secret society headquarters. Now I'm getting ready to take our bedroom in that direction as well. I mentioned last week that I am going to give the bedroom an up-do and ditch the too-cheery turquoise, and I'm happy to report that it's now underway. The crap thing is, I don't think it will be done as soon as I'd hoped. As with all redecorating projects, it has already spiraled out of control and I now need to hunt down a few things. It should be done in a couple of weeks so, in the meantime, I'll leave you with some elements that are inspiring the transformation (both in the house and in my wardrobe).

I won't be displaying any old trucks or toys in our room but I do have a life-long fantasy that involves me driving something like this on my thrift store and delivery runs.

Oh how I love old military buttons. I have a huge collection of these and I plan on getting my ass in gear this week and sewing them onto some cheap-ass cardigans to make them look less sweatshop-esque.

I know everyone and his inbred brother are sporting these cage lights right now but I'm gonna have 'em too (except mine are the $10 DIY version that I'll post about soon).

And finally, I just love this old 1930s license plate that I found a few months ago. The colors and that little red crown...what the hell is my problem!?

Gary.

Back when I was working in cubicle land at a newspaper, I worked with some pretty unusual people. Some of them were weird looking, a few of them were really creepy and stunk of cigarettes and stale house and many of them we're just old burnt out punk/hippie types. There was one guy though who didn't really fit into any stereotype. His name was Gary. You see, Gary was a true eccentric. He came to work with his hair in a mess and his clothes in a plastic grocery bag. He would spend countless hours in the bathroom with strange things like...a magnifying glass, a Batman poster, a giant margarine container of plain black beans and a fork...you know, normal stuff you would take into the bathroom with you. 

Gary was a really nice guy, albeit strange, and he even took me under his wing at one point and took me and a friend to a gym where all the classes and facilities were FREE! It might have had blood splatters on the walls and MAY have also been full of homeless people, ex-cons and geriatric men who worked out in dress shoes, but that shit was FREE (and extremely entertaining, I might add). 

The best thing about Gary though was his lunchtime concoctions. He would eat plain canned beans with no seasoning almost every day and he also had an obsession with oatmeal (again, plain with absolutely nothing in it for taste). One day I stopped by his dump of a desk and he had just sat down with his lunch and this is what it was:

His desk was also a complete mess all the time and he would always hoard the free swag that we would get in (note the Mama Mia beach ball).

Yea, that's Gary fingering an ape mask.