The Vintage Cabin

Oh Hai.

2012-01-12T23:35:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to check in here to say that I have been upgrading all of my tech geekery around this joint. I'm almost done moving files, pictures, etc so I'll be back to posting very soon. In the meantime, if you're looking for a night of adventure and excitement then look no further...

Happy Holidays, eh?

2011-12-22T17:44:00.000-05:00

I'll be back in the new year with a whole new sense of purpose and vigor (wait, what? I will? Yes, I will!).

Until then, enjoy your holidays and all the joy it brings to you and your family (like diarrhea, heartburn, hangovers, indebtedness, etc). See you in 2012!

Cleaning House.

2011-11-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

I will be making a few changes around here in the next couple of weeks so my posts will be a bit sparse until then. My business is going to change somewhat in January 2012 and with that, the ~~high quality~~ content of this blog will be tweaked as well. Until then, enjoy viewing these wondrous homes while I toil away in the background.

WTF!?: Business Improvement Association

2011-11-11T10:51:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling emotional today and I'm so desperate to document all of my deep, dark secrets that I just don't have time to go to a fancy store in the mall. Good thing there's Diary Mart, the super convenient diary shop.

I am always amazed at how many 'professional' sign making companies employ people who can't spell for shit. You see it so often. Just hire someone to proofread your bloody work! And hot lips clip art - upside down hot lips at that!? Sexxxy stuff!

Speaking of sexy...this restaurant owner needs to get over himself!

"Come in and 'seet ya bum down on Willy's lap."

Hrm...do you think it's a coincidence there's a massage clinic right upstairs from here?
Somehow I doubt you would ever hear, "Honey, want to take the kids out to Thai Kok for dinner tonight?" It's probably more like, "Table for one, sir?" all night long at this place.

Taking (A Tour Of) A Big Dump.

2011-11-08T08:08:00.005-05:00

I don't know about you guys but I love shopping in shitholes. I'm not interested in a potpourri laced, doily covered gift shop, no no no! I don't want no Pottery Barn, I'd rather be perusin' me a mouse poop filled barn, thank you very much.

Where else can you find both antiques AND cold drinks? Nowhere, my friends.

My mom and I discovered this place a few years back when it was owned my the nicest old man. He used to sit in here watching The Price is Right while we wandered around looking at everything. One time he even offered us a bacon and tomato sandwich made on an old, rusty frying pan on the top of his wood stove. We respectfully declined.

Well, sadly that man has died and it's been taken over by new, um, mismanagement! Yay! Nothing better than buying a business in a state like this.

I live for tow trucks full of junk in boxes!

And sheds full of barrels of, uh, moist objects (those green 50s kitchen chairs were in great shape - and cheap!)

I collect these Canadian versions of Rosti bowls so I was delighted to find this, for 50 cents, sitting there so beautifully merchandised.

50s lamp and shade for $20, yup, I'll take that.

Everything you could ever need...and more! Err...

A great sunroom addition, built to code I'm sure.

I'm sure if they just put in a dehumidifier and sprayed the place with Febreze, this problem would go away...

Seriously though, I love this place. In fact, I'm off to that area today and I might just have to stop in for a browse...and a cold drink. Frozen, dirty couch water might hit the spot quite nicely.

R.I.P. Miss Maggie Magiggles, My Beautiful Angel Girl

2011-11-05T18:32:00.003-04:00

I am heartbroken to write that I had to say goodbye to my sweet Maggie Magiggles this morning.

She died peacefully at home with me, Lee and her animal family by her side.

I shared over 18 wonderful years with her.

She was the sweetest, most gentle girl you could ever hope for and she didn't have a mean bone in her body. She was always there for a serious snuggle every night and was fiercely loyal to me, choosing to pay almost no attention to any other human (although she was also very much in love with her somewhat abusive bad boy brother, Einar. When he died in April, she was never really the same).

She was so beautiful and her long, fluffy Farrah Fawcett locks often blew in the breeze when she lounged in the sun.

She was like a meditating Buddha cat most of the time. Just relaxing and taking it all in.

This was her in the summer after I'd spent some time in the grass brushing her and rubbing her tummy while she sun bathed.

She was so cherished and will be missed terribly.
I love you Mookles.
Always.

There's the sun
Going down
Creating that fluorescent glow
Reminding me I'll never be able
To relive this day
Except in memory

A New Light.

2011-11-01T11:49:00.002-04:00

I thought I'd give you an update on a few little changes around the house. I'm happy to report that after several agonizing months we finally finished painting our house. But, as clean and fresh as it now looks, the sad part is...it pretty much looks the same as it did before. Yup, instead of painting it battleship grey we decided to keep it the same color. If we had have changed the color it would have been even more work & money than it already was and we were just not willing to suffer through that much right now (trim work, cutting around all of the old windows with a new color, more coats of paint, etc).

Anyway, it's clean and it's no longer peeling and blotchy with 2 different colors like it has been for the last 2 1/2 years. I also changed the front porch light from an industrial vapor light to an antique train/nautical light. I sprayed it black (of course) and I think it suits the place better than the old light that was there. We're sandwiched closely between a large lake and a railroad so...

The cage light I took down now has a new home in my upstairs bathroom.

It's like a protruding missile or penis shooting out of the wall but I like it there. Decent bathroom lighting is so hard to find, it's all so ugly and big box store looking. Compared to the tulip light horror show that was here before, this caged sucker is doing the job well. (I am debating on painting it white so it's a bit more subtle but I'm not sure yet. It could look better or it could look very 80s/lame). I also recently found this simple mirror at the thrift store for $6.

Now I just ~~need~~ want a new sink, faucet and counter top and things will be looking up...oh and a new shower stall and flooring. Ugh.

Full Moon?

2011-10-31T17:23:00.000-04:00

Um...

I love all the small redneck towns I live around. Pure geniuses live in these here parts I tells ya!

Happy Halloween!

Just Creepin' Around...

2011-10-29T22:12:00.001-04:00

Oh Sorry, I Didn't Mean to Scare You

2011-10-25T13:55:00.000-04:00

England: I Don't Want to Die

2011-10-23T20:46:00.001-04:00

In anticipation of Halloween, I thought I would do a few posts about things that give me the creeps in one way or another. Okay, so that means they'll either be scary or so screwed up it's funny-scary. This post is a harsh reminder that not only do I not want to die but I really don't want to involve a funeral home in my death if I ever do (notice I say IF because I'm not actually ever going to die, right?).

What the hell is up with this creep hole!?

What kind of psycho plans ahead for their funeral at a place like this? And what terrible family members would agree to have your body go to this demon cave!? You'd really have to be the asshole of the family to get stuck at this joint.

How would they even fit everyone into this little crypt of a building? They'd all have to be lined up single file waiting to go in to check out your dead body with make up on and a pretty dress. Wakes & funerals are just so bizarre!

Unless you were a teen goth who died of sadness or maybe a distant steampunk relative who got crushed under a unicycle while attempting to time travel, would anyone be interested in having their dead body hanging around here? When I die, just chuck my body into the woods and let the wolves pee on me and chew my limbs off. That sounds a lot better than lying around this portal to hell pumped full of chemicals.

Peefore & After

2011-10-13T17:50:00.001-04:00

Remember this stinker I blogged about a while back?

What a difference a diaper change makes!

Here is the new diaper! Well, it will be on there for a couple of years until I can afford what I really want on this set - leather.

I was going to attempt to recover this set on my own but reminded myself that I would do the shittiest job ever so I farmed it out. I had a local woman (who was cheap!) do the hard work on this sucker. She used new fluffy foam stuff (see? I'm so useless I don't even know what it's called) and stripped all the stench and layers of dog hair away.

I found the upholstery fabric on sale for $2 a yard (regular $36 because it was an end of a roll!) so that was a huge bonus. I also sold one of the couches I had in the living room to put toward the cost. The buttons were done in scrap pieces of black leather and I think that really made a huge, yet subtle impact.

The arm that was all smashed to hell? Well, I tried saving that section and got nowhere. Someone had tried to glue all the smashed bits together in a redneck manner and it was nearly impossible to fix. If I had have been left to deal with that myself, I would have thrown the whole thing in the fire and moved on. Luckily I live across the street from a cabinet/furniture maker who can work miracles (all for no cost)! I took the base over to him and he managed to work a shitload of magic on it. He chiseled out all the broken pieces, re-glued them properly, clamped it for two days, epoxied it and then spray lacquered the area where he had to sand. It's not perfect but damn, it's pretty close considering how wrecked it was.

Re-attaching the chair to the base was not an easy job either. The shell of the seat and stool are made of fiberglass so drilling new holes and determining where the chair should sit in the frame would have been nightmarish. Luckily my old man is a genius and used a pin to painstakingly find the old holes and align the chair and screw it back on. That took about 3 hours or so and he was ready to kill me when he was done. Oh well, too bad for him for marrying a psycho like me. I'm sure he was using the seat & pin as a voodoo doll when he was doing it though, as I now have a sudden case of back pain that I can't explain. No, really.

(In case anyone cares, I spent around $250 for everything, after I sold my couch and put the money toward the costs.)

England: Keep on Keeping Calm & Carrying On

2011-10-04T21:13:00.000-04:00

Art Brut(al).

2011-10-02T21:23:00.001-04:00

Every town has at least one really shitty wall mural, right?

This is one happening registry office portrayed here! This poor woman is worked off her feet looking after the requests of both the living and the dead. Some old steampunk/new gent ghost dude floats on in and he's all like, "Why helllloooooo there. Look at my monocle and pocket watch, oooohh!" Then she has to be a bitch and tell the guy it's going to take a while because she only has that enormous book to work with so he's going to have to wait like the other ghost guy by the window.

Then this dude walks in, all up his own ass, with a pile of deeds or something looking to just barge past the line. "I'ma get me summa dese here papers sorted so I's can git me more factory chicken farms on ma land!"

And who the hell is this mouth breather and why is his ear so small!?

Then this trendy beardo (who apparently now owns a fancy chocolate shop in Brooklyn) comes onto the scene offering the woman a seat. But wait! She'd just see that as a moving chair since that dude is a ghost and she'd freak right out, piss her pants and run! So this is a good reminder that when I see a glass move across a table on its own that I shouldn't be afraid. It's just a ghost who's trying to help.

Mirror Mirror.

2011-09-28T19:28:00.003-04:00

A while back, my ma found me an old, large picture frame at the thrift store for me to sell. It's the style of frame that you would often find hanging over a couch in a suburban house in the 70s. You know, the kind that would always have a butt ugly decorative print inside - maybe some white horses running through a field in a storm? I had intended on selling it but decided to try and make it into a mirror and hang it in the house before I let it go.

It's quite ornate, the sort of mirror a vampire would use to put on their makeup (it's so goth they can see their reflection in this sucker). It's not the sort of style I'm normally into but I thought maybe it could look cool somewhere amongst the mishmash of shit in the house. So I got out the trusty old spray paint, had a piece of mirror put into it and turned this beast from pseudo-Victorian granny to 'obsessed with A Nightmare Before Christmas and striped knee socks' goth.

I'm trying it over the fireplace for now but I don't think I'm digging it here. I haven't actually done anything to try and make it work other than shoving some black vases on one side that just get lost in the sameness. The mantel sucks and doesn't do it any justice and I think it's a wee bit too high.

Blah. Oh well. Maybe it will grow on me once I revamp this living room with my pee chair, a new rug, etc. If it still stinks here then off it will go to find another home either in a different room or at someone else's house. I need to decide if I should commit to almost all black and white in this room or de-black this mofo of a space. Maybe I'll just sell everything in it, throw a cushion in the middle of the floor and use it to meditate...

England: WTF!?

2011-09-18T22:12:00.000-04:00

Man, the Brits are gruesome! They could be a bit more pc with their signage, no? Maybe something like "Blind Cats Crossing. Drive with Care" would be more kind.

Not sure if any of you are looking for a great place for curtains in London, but this place called ~~Dreamworld~~ Nightmareworld is just wonderful. So relaxing and gorgeous. It's like a spa in there!

And while you're living your nightmare, why not chow down on some bubbling hot eels while you're in the neighborhood?

Um...this was from my brother-in-law's garden. Should I have him arrested?

Oh yea, totally normal right? Is this some sort of dentistry student gangsta tag or something? As bizarre as this tag/graffiti/psychobabble is, I think this might be one of the best I've ever seen. It's strangely artful, no?

England: Looking for Junk in all the Wrong Places

2011-09-13T11:41:00.002-04:00

England is full of ancient treasures worth millions and millions of dollars, right? Antique gold coins should be falling from the sky, Shakespeare's nose hairs and fingernail clippings should be available inexpensively and maybe, just maybe, you could even buy a ghost in a jar since they're clogging the streets all over the place. Well, I've come to break the bad news to all ya's all - there's not much old shit you can buy for cheap there, just newer crap for the most part.

Let's start with thrift stores or, as they call them, charity shops. They suck. Every single one of them that I went into sucked. Why? They're too clean, nice, organized and fancy. They're also all exactly the same inside. Even their used/vintage items are the same from one place to the next. These are the kind of thrift stores that I hate, as they are WAY too edited. They sell new shoes and boots, new tacky home decor items with a small smattering of vintage stuff thrown into the mix.

Look how nice and organized this place is! So wrong.

All of the shops have one small section for household items (no big stuff like lamps or furniture whatsoever). Pretty much every section in every shop looks like this.

See? I told you! I did find a couple of things among the shelving at one place - a West German vase and a pair of Dansk glass candle holders. Pretty unexciting finds though really.

Oh, but I did see this guy. He was soooooo high! He spent about 5 minutes or so in this very position, just barely hanging in there. If you look closely, you'll see that his eyes are closed.

I also went to a few car boot sales (a car's boot = the trunk) that were WAY better than the thrift stores. I love the idea of these, it's so efficient and organized compared to driving all over the place to hit 5-6 yard sales.

50p (so, about 80 cents) gets you in and you can just roam from car to car to check out the loot. Most people have a very small amount of items and again, no furniture or larger items but there are deals to be had. I found a few things here including a couple of old cameras, some antique weights, skeleton keys and some other shit I can't remember.

For the most part though, it was the same old stuff you'd find at most yard sales in North America - toys, baby clothes, old skis from 1982, broken crap that should go to a dump and plastic junk from the Dollar Store.

Of course, all the good stuff is hanging out at vintage markets on the weekends. The prices for a lot of things weren't too bad actually, I was surprised. That super old and very cool Queen of Scots train sign was only 40 pounds (about $65). If it didn't weigh 700 pounds I would have bought it. Other than at auction, I have to wonder where these sellers find all of this stuff? Break & enters? Armed robbery? Maybe they buy off of ghosts in the night?

England: Crests, Crowns & Signage.

2011-09-12T11:11:00.000-04:00

England: Keep Calm & Carry On

2011-09-09T11:49:00.011-04:00

Sit Down, Take a Pee & Relax.

2011-08-19T19:15:00.001-04:00

So, I found this chair & ottoman at a yard sale last weekend.

I had been at the sale the day before and they told me that some teak chairs would be coming Saturday morning. I returned just as they were unloading the chairs from a trailer and saw this set and made a run for it. There was a guy there who seemed strangely smug who quickly yelled over, "$40 for the set". I debated on it while fending off several other interested ~~suckers~~ people. I assessed a few issues with the wood and tried to see how easy it would be to recover since the fabric was so ugly. I've been looking for something like this for ages so, despite the problems, I told the guy I'd take it. My cousin, who was with me at the time, took another cool chair that was sitting beside it. Here's a quick shot of her new chair (no pee on hers!) being positioned in her apartment.

So, we hauled ass and lugged our chairs outta there so we could get to more sales. As I was carrying my chair away, I got a whiff of pee and quickly realized a dog had taken a great big piss on it (it was covered in dog hair also). So, I did what any abnormal person would do and took it home anyway and started trying to figure out how I could revamp this diaper chair into something great (and sanitary).

The smug guy who sold it to me was probably in hysterics as he watched me carry it off. "Look at that girl carrying Rusty's old chair! That dog pissed on that thing 100 times over, what a fool! Good luck, honey!"

Not only does it have the urination situation but it also has a crack on the back of the arm that I need to fix. This should be simple though (I think), as it just needs to be glued and clamped back together.

I'll probably have to spend $500 on it to recover it and get new foam so that makes me a complete moron, right? Any normal person would go to the mall or a big box store and just buy a rat leather club chair for $100, sit in it and enjoy their lives. But nooooo, not me! I need to rebuild this fucker because I have a MAJOR disorder. Anyway, I do envision it looking amazing after it's recovered in something dark/black so when I get back from holiday I'm going to tackle this. I'm going to give myself a budget for it and if it goes over, this giant Poise pad on legs will be off to the dump.

Would you try and bring this set back to life or is it totally gross?
Am I weird/creepy because I prefer that it be dog pee over old man's pee?
Did you know that, on occasion, I enjoy watching Wheel of Fortune?

Junk in the Trunk.

2011-08-18T11:23:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I took a break from painting and other household bullshit and went on a two day junk hunting triathlon. There were three, um, disciplines - thrift stores, flea markets and yard sales - and it was exhausting (in a good way). I found lots of good stuff, including a great chair & ottoman that is covered in dog hair & pee that I will blog about soon. Until that exciting day comes, I'll show you some other treasures I found.

I got all three of these vintage wool blankets for $10! The green one is Hudson's Bay and the other two are old plaid camp blankets.

Some awesome 50s fabric.. I got two huge pieces of this stuff.

And this linen mid century fabric is amazing!

Isn't this a beauty!?

I found this neat old black typewriter but what I liked most about it was the little message on the paper that was in it...

Well, I thought this was really nice until I Googled it and saw that it is a really old religious song about heaven. Here I thought this was typed by some unknown poetic genius who died of heartbreak (and alcoholism) in an old Victorian mansion somewhere. Oh well.

Here's a few more items that aren't too special really...except for the lunchbox. At first glance it's pretty unexciting but when you look on the side you'll see...

FLOYD FINCH! Amazing. I love old people names like this.

And finally, there's this stuff. An amazing teak lamp, some jumbo brass skeleton keys, an old Bell Canada workman's bag and that gorgeous, beautiful beaten up old red cross sign. Oh how I love it! It was only $5 and it's the only thing out of all this stuff I'm keeping. The rest will be sold on Etsy or in my little shop in town when I get back from jolly old England. I should mention that I'll be away for 3 weeks starting next week (August 22 until September 12). My Etsy shop will be closed while I'm on holiday but I still may do a post or two while I'm away (can't promise though). This twat will be tweeting though, so make sure you're following me to get little snippets of weirdo English things I come across. I promise things will be heating up again when I return with more blog posts and a shitload of new stuff in the shop. Until then...you can wait on pins and needles to see my pee chair that I'll post tomorrow.

D.I.Why?

2011-08-01T22:39:00.001-04:00

Oh woe is me! I've been absent from blogging as of late because I've been depressed, trying to muster the strength to start painting the exterior of our house. I'm ready to just cut my hands off so I am no longer able to do tasks such as these. "Oh sorry dear, you'll have to restore the whole house by yourself now, as I accidentally sawed off my hands with the table saw. Can you make me a sandwich and feed it to me and then rub my feet?" Hrm, that might not be such a bad idea...

The next house I live in will be made from solid rock ...or something like that anyway. Is it not possible to own something that involves almost no maintenance? What about a cave? This whole scraping, sanding, pressure washing bullshit is killing me. Also, it's been 30+ degrees here so doing this in the blazing sun and humidity is enough to turn me into a renter again.

Here are a few things I would rather do than deal with this painting crap...

Yup! Give me a massive bowl of curried brains and I'd eat 'em just to have someone else paint for me.

If I could marry this guy with his braided ponytail poking through his baseball hat hole I would, just so I didn't have to paint the fucking house.

I'd also marry this denim dream of a dude AND give that woman corn rows and/or a French braid a day for a year!

I'd wear these platform faux Birkenstocks for the next 10 summers to avoid the pain of the paint brush.

I'd even French kiss the fang of this squirrel corpse on some crappy reality TV show to cut myself a break!

And I'd do it all while sporting this wonderfully handmade tote...

Practical Old People: Makin' Change

2011-07-13T22:42:00.001-04:00

I'm always excited when I buy something at the thrift store and I get a bonus relic from the past along with it. The other day I bought something and was given a used plastic bag to put it in. When I got home, I noticed the bag was from a grocery store that no longer exists and inside there was a receipt from 1990. My first thought was...who the hell keeps plastic grocery bags tucked away for 21 years!? Then, when I looked at the receipt it all became clear...a little old man did (or maybe he was a 7 foot tall old man, but how often do you see a really tall old man?)

First of all, no woman would buy that stuff. Okay, maybe the juice and Crisco but pork hocks and smoked cod? That has little old man written all over it. You know what else? He paid with a $100 bill. How many times have you seen an old lady whip out a $100 bill? Never. Old men though, they seem to have wads of them in their wallets. The best part is, he gave 2 cents with it so he could get a nickel back instead of 3 pennies. Now that is some organized money management, my friends! Speaking of money and managing it...

I also recently found this old pay packet in a vintage purse that I bought. Now, I'm not THAT old but I do remember getting paid this way when I was in high school. There were no bank cards and there was no such thing as direct banking or any of that shit back then. You'd just get your little envelope with all the details written on it and it would be filled with money, right down to the small change. This wasn't that long ago really, maybe 1989 and into the early to mid 90s. Now look at the shit show the world is in with electronic $$$ flowing out from every orifice.

The little ad on the back of this envelope creeps me out. It's disturbing because it feels like it was just the beginning of the big push for everyone to go up to their eyeballs in debt. It seemed so innocent then, "use credit (if you're lucky enough to get it) to buy a record player or maybe for some hobby equipment." Now it's more like, "why not get a second line of credit so you can afford organic milk instead of regular? Or perhaps you'd prefer granite counter tops instead of socially unacceptable laminate?"

I'm really trying to be a cash only sort of gal these days. I want to be the old man with the $100 bill at the grocery store (even though no one will cash it because they'll assume it's counterfeit). I'm sick of credit, I'm sick of debt and I'm especially tired of being upsold on every purchase I make. I'm going granny, people! Who knew the blue hairs could be such trendsetters?

Depressing Scenarios.

2011-07-06T13:48:00.000-04:00

My Biggest Fan

2011-07-05T22:14:00.000-04:00

I know most people love to write & read about pretty things but, as some of you know, I often like to give credit to the seedy, ugly, rotten parts of the everyday that don't always get the attention they deserve. I'm sure most of you have some utilitarian items around the house that you keep hidden out of view, shoved in a dark basement or closet kinda like Sloth from Goonies. Sure good design is fun to ogle and fantasize about but what kind of shit is actually getting the job done at your house? For me, one of my all-time favorite Sloth-esque items is this old clunker of a fan.

The white plastic parts are the same tone of yellow you'd see on an 80 year old smoker's white mustache. The handle has broken off and it is caked with cat hair and years of dust. I have had it for about 15 years, I got it from a thrift store, and it has never let me down. Well, once it stopped working and I took it apart, cleaned out the gunk and put it back together and it started right back up again. 150 degrees out? No problem! Just turn on this jet engine and it will blow you straight into comfort town. Can't sleep because there are people playing bongos outside of your bedroom window at 3am? Turn this sucker on and let the white noise of this dream machine take you away.

This fan has been with me longer than most of my clothes and furniture. Why? Because it kicks ass. Sure I'd love to try that new Dyson Air Multiplier and I'm sure it would look great sitting on a table somewhere but I highly doubt it would even come close to the power of this beast.

What about you? Do you have anything utilitarian and ugly that you couldn't live without?

Do you like the sound of bongos?

Do you think Casey Anthony would like this fan?

New Shit on the Block.

2011-06-20T21:22:00.001-04:00

Yard sale season is in full swing and I've been out early every Saturday on the hunt for cool stuff. So far, the finds have been a bit scarce but I have come across some interesting things for the shop as well as the house. I recently found this cedar trunk for $15 that I just had to buy.

It's beaten up and kind of homemade looking in a way, but I love the color and the hand painted address on the sides and lid. Some people may look at this and wonder what the hell I'd want it for and I say to them, I says, "Because."

I'm also starting a collection of 7s and have three in that room so far. Why? Because is why!

Oh hai there CN wool blanket. Oh how I love freight trains and all things associated. I'm a weirdo, yes, I know.

I got this great 80s floor lamp for $5 that is now hanging out in the living room.

I love the little loop at the top, it's true.

Ahh, this old, rotten bag has it all for me! A military style, a crown, holes and pee stains, yes! This was an old postal bag that was used at a hospital (I know this because it says hospital on the back in magic marker). I found it last week and, for now, it's holding scarves, mitts, etc at the front entrance.

I also got this cute shelf from my mom and painted the top black and left the legs teak. She also gave me an old locker basket to hold our blankets. I have to find one more storage tub of some kind to fill this up a bit more. Something metal would be ideal I think.

Speaking of postal bags and the post office, I haven't been updating the shop for the last couple of weeks because Canada Post is on strike/lockout. So, in a nutshell, I cannot mail anyone anything. There should be a lot of new items in the shop as soon as this bastard situation is resolved (I hope by no later than next Monday).

Practical Old People: At the Car Wash

2011-06-19T21:29:00.000-04:00

I've decided I'm going to start documenting all of the wonderfully practical things ~~old~~ elderly people do in their day to day lives. Gone are the days when they would dress impractically to do menial tasks. Gone are the days when they cared about anything other than getting their weekly groceries and medications. Their houses are most likely vinyl sided, there are probably not many trees, if any (as to avoid leaves, etc) and their garages are clean and meticulously organized with only the 7 things they need. I have a soft spot for these folks, as they have lived a long life full of the usual bullshit most people go through and they're at the point where they just don't care what people think anymore. It's now just basic North American survival mode, a sort of communist way of living, and in a strange way I'm kind of envious.

Look at this guy! Most of us would be trying to look cool washing our car, maybe wearing something super idiotic like sandals or heels and a skirt, maybe some knobs would even be doing this in a pair of Crocs while texting on their phone. Not this guy! Not only did he come prepared in his rubber boots but he also made sure he wore a long sleeved coat and tucked in his pants so he didn't get any nasty car juice splashing around his ankles. Actually, his wife probably made sure he tucked in his pants so when he got home he wouldn't get dirt water on or near their 70s floral sofa. Good man...good man.

Stormy Weather.

2011-06-08T21:24:00.000-04:00

We had some crazy storms here this afternoon. Luckily nothing got wrecked, but I did get struck by lightning right in the face! Okay, not really. I just added that for dramatic effect.

WTF!? (The where the hell have you been edition)

2011-06-02T23:35:00.000-04:00

Why hello there. Boy, have I been busy these past few weeks. Not only do I have a full time job as a mime (and sometimes a silver person that moves like a robot for small change) I have had a lot of extra curricular activities on my plate. My hectic schedule went into overdrive last week when I was asked to babysit four li'l redneck kids. Funny enough, they were a breeze to take care of! They just hid the whole time and didn't make a peep.

They didn't want any snacks and they didn't even want to watch any tv or movies. They just stood there the whole time. So sweet! Even when I accidentally tripped over one of them and crushed its head between my knee and the couch, it didn't even flinch.

Right after my babysitting stint, I was asked to pet sit for an old friend.

They were also a breeze to take care of, actually! They were so laid back and relaxed, it was a real treat to have this gaggle around. I should add though that Teddy (the teddy bear) was a bit of a know-it-all smart ass at times and he talked in a fake British accent which got annoying really fast.

Oh! Oh! Also, a few days ago, I was driving downtown and was reminded that I needed to book my meds check THAT DAY, which really stressed me out. I was all like, "I have no time for this! Why now!? WHY NOW?"

So I u-turned my car around just so I could go in and check on my Oxycontin, Xanax and Vicodin prescriptions. Gotta make sure they don't (ever) run out, ya know?

While I was on my way back in my car from the pharmacy drug workshop, I ended up getting stuck at this 'elderly crossing' spot where I had to wait 3 1/2 hours for an old Mennonite lady and man to cross the road!

That same week, I also had to make sure I stopped in to get me a delicious "hot hamburg" dinner with canned gravy at the Legion hall.

While I was there, I also took part in their craft night activities and made myself this gorgeous creation:

Last week, I also attended one of the most anticipated, biggest events of the year!

I had a tour of this incredible building, built by reknowned architects Lou P. Stream and John Brown-Loggins, that included a nutritious, high fiber lunch and an afternoon, all-u-can-drink espresso bar.

So, as you can see, I've been busy. A few other reasons I haven't been around this past week are:

1. A bee stung me in the left boob

2. I have poison ivy on my arm

3. My hairstyle sucks and needs to be changed (drastically)

Vintage Bulimia

2011-05-26T12:31:00.002-04:00

I've been busy around here preparing for a big yard sale on Saturday. I'm purging shit out of my house, Etsy shop and vintage mini-shop to make room for new stock and, more importantly, less crap around here. I spent last weekend cleaning out our old barn and I've gone through every drawer and closet in the house getting rid of things. I must say, as good as it feels to find cool stuff at yard sales and thrift stores, it feels even better to get rid of it. Binge, purge, binge, purge...the story of my life. In honor of all the old stuff I have hoarded and then tossed, I thought I would share with you a few pictures from my old apartment in Toronto that I lived in from 1997 to 2005. (The quality of these pics will be a bit shit because this was old school, crap digital cam technology. Just pretend I added some sort of artsy blur filter on them, k?)

Ha! Look how short those curtains are. I still loved them though so who cares. They were Capri curtains, yea...

I wish I still had that couch set. I bought it off an old creep from Craigslist for $100 and he delivered them. I did have to get a few girlfriends to carry them up to the third floor, which really sucked and they hated me for it, but they were worth it. After a couple of years they started to fall apart and I had to ditch it all. Boo!

These two pics are pretty boresville...

And then...WHAMMO! A vintage kitsch explosion!

This dude used to hang out on my back porch all the time. I couldn't even scare him away by banging a metal pole on the garbage can lid right beside his head, he'd just sit there and give me a death stare. What an asshole.

Jesus, I had coral pink walls, bubblegum pink trim and a lime green accent wall. Whoa. I have always hated pink so I'm not sure what possessed me but I did like it for the year it stayed this way. (Yikes, those lampshades sure do suck!)

Capri curtains...again..I also went through a weird plywood shelf phase...

What a barf/shit show! Although there are a few things in these pics that I still have or wish I still had, most of it has come and gone and I'm not one bit sad because of it. I have to keep reminding myself of that when I pick up the next thing I convince myself that I must have. I hate to admit it but my love for about 90% of this stuff is, and always has been, temporary. When you have the decorating bug in your DNA, everything seems to get old fast and your love quickly turns to "get rid of it, now"! So, bring on the yard sale (I'll leave out the part where I tell you that this is about the 7th or 8th sale I've had in about 4 years).

Sod Off!

2011-05-19T12:16:00.000-04:00

When we first moved here about 2 1/2 years ago, we immediately started to do everything we could to have as little grass as possible (keep in mind, we live on almost an acre of property). In our attempt to rid ourselves of grass, we created a 600 sq. ft. vegetable garden and 5 gigantic flower beds, plus we tried to set up a few areas of native/wild flowers to just do their thing. The problem was, we still had a lot of grass that needed to be mowed on top of maintaining so many huge areas of vegetable and flower gardens. My hands! My back! My sunburnt skin! So, after two seasons of growing vegetables, we have decided to scale it back to a few staples. Not only are we scaling back but we're trying out container gardening so we don't have to weed so much. It makes me feel like a bit of an environmental asshole to switch vegetables for grass, especially when I could remove some flowers instead, but there comes a time when you have to reclaim your life and the slavery that comes with growing your own food.

So last week, me and my 5' 2" body laid just over 60 rolls of sod over most of the vegetable patch. It took me just under 5 hours to do it all but it was tremendously rewarding. The whole time I was working though, I was thinking about the politics surrounding grass and why I felt like such an asshole for giving into it. Grass has really taken a beating in the last decade or so for being a suburban, SUV, drive-thru hamburger style of landscaping.

Sure, I could move into a condo and say screw it but condos are horrible. We could live in a house with a postage stamp sized lawn, which we have done, and mow it with a push mower that needs no gas. But this would mean moving back to the city and frankly, we're just not interested. We could just let nature run its course and have a lazy ass "native garden" and let the trees and weeds take over so it looks like Grey Gardens again. Regardless, thinking of the alternatives and the bullshit around some of this eco nonsense really made me warm up to the idea of grass again. Is it really so bad? Here's what we do to have a low maintenance and eco friendly lawn:

1. We never water it. Ever. If it dries up too bad, it will grown back when it rains.

2. We never fertilize it.

3. We never use any weed killers other than on the rare occasion when we use some vinegar on one or two prickly bastards. We usually hand pull or just mow the weeds when the grass is cut.

4. We cut the grass at a higher level than what is usually recommended.

5. We plant things like clover, creeping thyme, etc to mix in with the grass.

6. We leave the clippings on the grass to compost back into the soil.

Here's what the patch looked like when I finished it. Yes, our boxes look like little vegetable graves but who cares. It's practical and it's tucked away at the back of the yard doing its thing.

I think grass is pretty awesome and strangely underrated. Yes, there are a lot of lawn-loving idiots out there who have ruined it for everyone with their Round-Up and fertilizer addictions but I really think that you can have a lawn, dare I say even a nice, manicured lawn, and not be an asshole as long as you find a balance of grass and other plants. Obviously I'm not breaking out of the landscaping design mold with any new trends here - no xeriscaping, no green roof on my barn, no Japanese gardens with water features - and I am more than happy with that. I just want to play badminton and have picnics and you can't really do that when there's a giant Buddha head, polished stones and coy fish in the way all the time, right?

Paws Off My Dream Car!

2011-05-16T11:56:00.003-04:00

I'm not much of a car person, but when it comes to old, gas guzzling, inefficient classics I sometimes fantasize about having one of my very own to cruise around in. Once in a while (well, maybe about 3 times in my life) I wish I was a mechanic, even if it meant I'd be missing a few fingers and look permanently greasy. I would love to buy an old car and fix it up but without the know-how, you'd not only be an idiot but a very poor one at that. This past weekend, I went to a redneck auction where I saw this awesome little machine.

I know it was a Porsche but I don't know what kind. Let's just say it was a Porsche LOL Y2K.

Yea, so what if it's inefficient and slightly obnoxious. I just wouldn't take it through the drive-thru or leave it idling while I was getting my a grande mocha at Starbucks, ya know?

As I walked away from this impossible (and idiotic) dream, I walked right into another. Yet this one, this aerodynamic marvel, was not only in my price range (probably $50?) but it was a true one of a kind work of art.

Holy Hannah in her underwear! This is my dream machine! Just hop on in through that flap in the side and rev that, um, puppy up!

Imagine pulling up to the grocery store in this sucker. Of course the muffler would be super loud and obnoxious and I would have to crank 'Who Let The Dog's Out' over and over again when I drove it.

Do your friends need a lift? No problem! Just hop on the arse end of 'er and hold on tight!

Blind spots? Where?

Aww, a girl can only dream.

Wild Asparagus (Pee)

2011-05-15T21:05:00.000-04:00

After a yard sale run on Saturday morning, I stopped by one of my favorite (and very secret) wild asparagus patches to do some picking. I parked my car on the edge of the highway and headed up the somewhat scary, serial killer body dumping dirt road to start my search.

Now, I don't know if many of you are familiar with asparagus hunting and what you have to look for, but it is often harder to spot than you would think. It blends in with the long grasses really well so the best thing to do is keep your eyes open for the dried out stalks from the year before.

If you're lucky, there will be some taller stalks of fresh asparagus that you can spot without having to dig around too much but most of the time you'll have to root around. (Yea, it was me, I snapped the tops off those tall suckers. Yum.)

I must say, they are somewhat penile coming up out of the ground like that.

Here's a stalk that wasn't picked in time and is just starting to go to seed. You can still pick these and eat them but they're not quite as good.

After about 15 minutes up there I managed to score this big pile of tastiness! I took it home and we steamed some and ate it with fried potatoes and a poached egg straight from the cloaca (aka vagina?) of our neighbor's chicken. Delicious!

Then, for dinner, I made a homemade pasta sauce with fresh tomatoes, a ton of garlic, more of the asparagus and some fiddleheads. I love fiddleheads as much as asparagus but I try not to talk about them too much as they make me feel a little...uncomfortably whimsical...like I should be hanging with some leprechauns while playing a harp, ya know?

This kind of looks like barf now that I look at it again but it tasted really good!

Awesome Real Life Characters: A Fine Assortment

2011-05-09T10:11:00.001-04:00

Over the weekend, I sorted through some old photos and came across a few gems I wanted to share with all youse cyber BFFs. Now, some of them are a bit low res as they were taken on one of the first digital cameras ever invented (well, almost) so excuuuuuuuse me!

What the hell kind of anti-depressants is this guy taking!? Or maybe this car IS his anti-depressant? All I know is that this kind of positivity is NOT NORMAL. He's likely the saddest guy in the world. (I bet you he's crying hysterically in there while making that illegal u-turn).

AND THIS GUY IS DEFINITELY THE MADDEST!!!! I saw this weirdo in NYC many years ago and if my terrible memory serves me right, he wasn't actually all that crazy he was just doing some sort of awkward performance art ramblings. It does take a LOT to get noticed there (you pretty much need to have two heads and be the David Beckham of hacky sack on most sidewalks) and, even with that megaphone and freak hair, this guy wasn't making much of a dent.

Could he be any more awesome? The answer is no.

And her? This woman is my hero! Seriously, look at her! LOOK AT THAT HAT! I saw her one day on my lunch break and nearly dropped dead right there. I'm still convinced that I was the only one who actually saw her and she was just a figment of my imagination.

This guy is a modern day redneck Rapunzel!

"Excuse me while I wear a belt and a guitar strap around my naked body and pick my ass in front of you all."

Feelin' HOT HOT HOT (because of my running shoes and tube socks, of course).

Look at that guy up ahead there with his knee length khaki shorts and that stupid blue t-shirt! What the hell is he thinking dressing like that!?

I'm all for expressing yourself through fashion but sometimes...it's maybe just a bit much?

Whoa, check out the tits on her!

I'm with the Band.

2011-05-06T10:45:00.014-04:00

Years ago, I played in a band (which I played in for years - mid 90s to early 2000s). We put out 3 (and a half) albums and made a couple of videos, 2 of 3 of which we were more embarrassed by than anything. We made one ourselves though, with our good friend Hammy, and I thought I would share it with you since I just rediscovered it today. It's weird, let's not beat around the bush now people. Let's just say it is an absurd look at a gaggle of kids living in a dump town with nothing better to do other than smoke crystal meth and wreck shit. ***Keep in mind, this is a fictional video with us acting like freaks because we're weird that way, not because we actually did meth or any other drug! I thought I should make that clear in case some of you misread my blurb thinking I was, at some point in time, a meth user or drug addict!

I would suggest clicking through on this direct link as the video is pretty teeny on here for some reason.

Depressing Public Washrooms.

2011-05-03T15:52:00.000-04:00

Collectible Collectables for Sale.

2011-05-01T20:29:00.001-04:00

I went out on my first yard sale run of the season on Saturday and shitballs, prices are getting steep. People, quit looking on eBay trying to price your stuff! It is a YARD SALE, not an antique store. I went to one sale and the guy was selling old leather jackets for $150 & crappy artwork that had been in a barn for 10 years for $100-150 a piece. I also went to a sale at a church and one of the guys had business cards on the table that said his job title was 'Fleamarketer'! He was ~~selling~~ trying to sell everything from individual screws and deadstock hand salve to 80s dangly earrings all for stupid prices. If you want to sell your stuff on the interweb go for it, otherwise screw off with your 'high end' yard sales. That being said, I did score some good deals at a few places.

See that taxidermy duck on a piece of driftwood?

He makes me sad but he's awesome. And this mid century wall sculpture thinger? I put the car up on two wheels, fist pumped and burned rubber outta there after I found it.

While I'm ranting, I want to address yard sale signs for a moment. Why do people put up such idiot signage? No arrows or basic directions, teeny tiny writing, etc. I think I saw a sign on Saturday that just might be one of the worst I've ever seen.

Can you find it?

(Hint: It's not the big blue political sign on the right.)

Whatever!

2011-04-25T19:42:00.002-04:00

I wanted to let all ya's all know that I'm making a few small changes here on the ol' interweb blog. In an effort to post more frequently while putting less pressure on myself, I am going to change my WTF!? ~~Friday~~ posts to just WTF!? posts and I am going to post them as I find them and, more importantly, on any day of the week. Fancy that! The same goes for photo ~~Mondays~~. I'll post pictures when I get a group together and put it up whatever day I feel like it. This is all part of my new WHATEVER! laissez-faire summer attitude. Don't worry, this is a good thing and will mean more swearing, weirdness and meanderings from me. Um, yay?

Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out.

2011-04-24T22:14:00.000-04:00

Since 1975, this thing has been stuck to the back of my house.

I know we could pick up high definition TV over the air and all that crap, and we did try it, but you know what? Fuck it! It's not worth looking at this ugly thing for a few free (but not always reliable) TV channels. That would be like wearing diapers all the time just because you can poop and pee in them and not have to bother to actually go to the bathroom. Okay maybe not like that. It would be more like not bothering to pay to have a nice, comfy shower installed in your house because you could just go out in the rain and shower there. Yea, it's more like that.

Well, with the hard work of my dad, my old man Lee and our ultra handy neighbor, the beast was slayed on Friday. The antenna has been chopped up and will head to the metal recycling depot and the tower will become a tree stand that will be used for hunting deer. Wait, WHAT!? Sorry little Bambi creatures, it's not me who's trying to kill you! It's my neighbor. He wants to kill you, but he will eat every part of you (except the bum part) and only kill one of you each year. What can I say? He's old school and likes to eat local (holy shit, he's trendy and he doesn't even know it)...and I'm recycling, right?

Anyway, scratch this job off of my list of unexciting yet invigorating home improvement projects for the year.

Name Association.

2011-04-18T12:11:00.003-04:00

The other day I was trying to find a picture of another cat named Einar that someone had sent me ages ago on Flickr. Almost every page of results in my search turned up some sort of weirdo photo. So, I thought today I would share a few of the absurd gems I came across, making this some sort of WTF!? and photo Monday hybrid post.

Carl-Einar Hackner

Source

Source

Source

This was the Einar I was searching for! What a sweetie.

R.I.P. Einar, My Sweet Geriatric Lolcat

2011-04-14T15:48:00.001-04:00

I had to say goodbye to my very special bad boy today so I'll be taking a few days off from the blog to recover.

He lived a long and pampered 16+ years on this earth and I am so happy I was a part of it.

He came to me as a stray 15 years ago when he'd been living on the streets of Ottawa.

He was super tough and if he could have laid his paws on some cocaine, hookers and a Harley Davidson, he would have been in his glory. He dry humped grass, impregnated many of the neighborhood strays (it took me almost a year to be able to catch him & have him fixed) and killed a few too many squirrels, pigeons and birds in his heyday.

In his middle to old age he grew into a super snuggler, a homebody and a mama's boy.

He'd been sick for over a year with a mystery illness that the vet couldn't diagnose but they suspected either cancer or kidney failure. He died peacefully today and I am heartbroken yet relieved that he is no longer suffering. I will miss him and his funny ways terribly.

Coffee cups on the counter, jackets on the chair
Papers on the doorstep, but you're not here
Everything is everything,
Everything is everything,
But you're missing.

xoxo

Street View.

2011-04-11T13:52:00.000-04:00

Chicken Run.

2011-04-10T21:15:00.000-04:00

I don't know how it happened but I think I may be in love with chickens! If someone told me 5 years ago that I'd be totally into spending time with chickens on a Saturday afternoon, I would have written them off as a crystal meth addict.

Last year, my neighbors decided to get four hens that they saved from a life in a factory farm (sadly, that's why their beaks are cut.) They asked us if we'd help out with them in exchange for weekly eggs and we happily agreed.

They have a pretty fancy coop and a run, etc but they don't really get to roam free in a large space too often. So, about once a week in the warmer weather we bring them over to our house and let them do their thing in our fully fenced yard. That means lots of pooping, pecking, digging (scratching) and napping, yes, napping!

Who knew chickens just laid down and napped!? Not only do they doze off but they dig a little hole, get in it and then start nodding off and snuggling with each other.

Seriously, this chicken was in heaven on Saturday. She just chilled out after eating a salad bar of grass and worms and got to work on her first tan of the summer. Seeing them this happy and in their element really hammers home the evils of factory farms. I don't want to get all Debbie Downer on everyone but shiiiiiiiiiiiiit people, chickens need to live like this more often.

Guess which egg was laid after a day at our house roaming free?

WTF!? Friday

2011-04-08T18:53:00.005-04:00

EWWW! As soon as I saw this freak's freaky finger I had to sneak a shot in! Look at that dry cuticle action happening and that rotten black nail! Look at the scumbag nail on this puke finger! Wait a minute...hold on...shit. That's my disgusting finger! Good thing I slammed it in a door last week, now I'm stuck with this redneck stump of a finger for months. I tried painting my nails bright red for a wedding last week but sadly, after two coats of polish it still wouldn't cover. Now I just need to knock out a tooth and I'll be fully integrated into rural society.

Speaking of slamming fingers in doors, someone needs to slam Anne Geddes' fingers in something so she can't work a camera anymore. She is the worst and you see these big fat cabbage babies or those idiotic sunflower children in every thrift store on almost every visit. (I think I just decided what I'm going to be for Halloween this year - an Anne Geddes sunflower baby! Yuss *fist pump*!)

If Anne Geddes was actually a creative genius super-photographer then she would have done photos like this one and turned it into a clock! This work of art should be called, "Just a Matter of Time", and if the hands of the clock weren't missing, I think I would have bought it.

Not only are you nuts about golf if you buy a creation like this, you're just plain fucking nuts.

A hair salon that uses Comic Sans can only mean one thing...

Comic Sans hair!

Shutter Up!

2011-04-06T22:44:00.001-04:00

As part of the ongoing saga that is my bedroom decor, I have finally hung some shutters in place of the curtains I had in there before. I've been looking for some wooden shutters for all of the upstairs windows for about 2 years now and finally found a pair that would fit our bedroom. Keep in mind, I'm only looking in thrift stores & at yard sales for these, as new wood shutters are out of my price range.

I found 4 of these panels for $30 and took off the wood side pieces and the white knobs. I would have preferred the old style small shutters instead of these but beggars can't be choosers at this point. A few quick coats of black paint and some new knobs and they were done. We ended up having to hang them so they'd open accordion style rather than opening from the middle as the room set up is a bit funny with the linen closet in the middle.

I love how simple and practical they are. Sometimes I think a weird creep may come through them like a cowboy in a saloon but I'm okay with that. I'm always up for visitors.

I can have them half open or a third open or even 3/5 open if I want!

This would probably be about 7/8ths open, I think.

I must say, I'm really liking these utilitarian beauties. My old man even went so far as to say he thought they looked "cooool" and "classy" and then I laughed at him HARD for sounding like such a weirdo.

Trains.

2011-04-04T19:39:00.001-04:00

(Call me a weirdo but...I love the gritty aesthetic of freight trains.)

Garden of Eatin'

2011-04-03T22:29:00.001-04:00

Well, spring is here and we've been out in the yard for the last three weekends busting our asses. We're still trying to organize the front landscaping situation as well as our gigantic backyard after the former owner let it turn into a jungle. Trees still need to be chopped down or pruned (there were so many weed trees back there, you have no idea) and landscaping needs to continue. For the past two years we've been managing a large vegetable garden, an acre of grass and several flower beds (or whatever you want to call them - 'flower beds' sounds so granny). You know what? We're scaling this shit back!

This whole situation is getting a major downsize and overhaul. We're going to plant some tomatoes, zucchini, rainbow chard, yellow beans and we also have asparagus, rhubarb and Concord grapes that are really low maintenance and grow perennially. That is bloody well IT! Most of it will grow in wood boxes and the rest of this space will be boring old grass. The amount of work to grow a plot this big, especially organically, is just too much for us.We're both super busy and between work and gardening maintenance (weeding is brutal) we have no time to do what we moved here to do, like go to the beach, lay in a hammock, pick our noses and eat it, stuff like that. We live down the road from an amazing organic farm and we're surrounded by so much great produce grown locally that we just can't justify the work right now.

Here I am totally micromanaging the situation today. I am most likely saying something along the lines of, "Get rid of this shit! Get it all out of here! I want to sit around and drink all summer long so pour some gas on this hippie crap and torch it!"

Then off I went in my little inbred farmer girl gingham shirt and burned all of that shit DOWN! I exorcised the vegetable demons and we're moving on.

Whoa, chill out Cujo!

You know what gets me down about spring? Dead birds, especially baby birds, smashed eggs, baby birds that fall out of nests, etc etc. It must suck being a bird, no? Today we found a very sad, um, piece of bird in the backyard. (If you can't handle seeing a bird head then maybe move to the next photo...)

Heartbreaking, no? My cat Einar didn't seem to get very emotional about it though, he immediately tried to chow it down like some sort of chicken wing.

Speaking of chowing down...we've had a lot of rabbits in our yard this winter and they have left many, many piles of poop all over the place. Apparently rabbit poop is a real delicacy according to Pierre...

Eww! See the poop pellets at the bottom of the picture? He's feasting on them!

WTF!? Friday

2011-04-01T13:15:00.004-04:00

Whoa! I wouldn't want to meet up with these two freaks in a dark alley...

Um yea and this broad in a dark alley? No thanks! What is she made of, skin!?

Okay, am I the only one who feels uncomfortable with this figurine? Granny looks like, um, grampy in disguise...

Ack! Why would anyone want this in their house!?

Good thing this girl had such a strong tail wind for her ride into work last week...

Bwahahaha! Why the hell would anyone want this monstrosity!? Look at this insanity! It's a porcelain 'celebration' of a Royal baby - Prince William to be exact (looks just like him, huh?) This piece of crap would almost take up a whole room it's so big. Imagine staying at someone's house in the spare room and having to share it with this li'l William creep.

I should buy this and take it to the grocery store with me one day. I could strap him into the baby part of the shopping cart and just push him around while I get groceries. I could get my husband and my dad to dress like body guards to keep li'l William safe and protected. I would continually ask li'l William if he wanted things like Cheerios or canned tuna. Really loudly I'd ask him, "Does little Billiam want mommy to get him some chicken thighs? They're your favorite with the bone in & skin on! They're on saaaaaaale!!!"

Awesome Real Life Characters: Zoomer

2011-03-30T11:05:00.009-04:00

Every thrift store has them, right? Weirdo picker men who bury their heads in the crappy electronics and go back to the same store 4, 5, 6 times a day, every day...kinda like this old guy...

Well, I have an extra special picker man who I see at almost every church rummage sale, every decent yard sale, every estate sale and he is also a regular at one of the thrift stores I frequent. I call him Zoomer.

He wears the same outfit every single day, which also means he wears the same outfit every single season of the year. -20 outside? He'll be wearing his tear away pants, windbreaker and baseball hat. +30 and sunny? Same outfit. I'm kind of obsessed with this guy, as he has a super zooming technique that he uses on every item he picks up.

Look at him go! He is zooming in so hard on that crappy hula girl from the dollar store. Sometimes he spends 5 minutes or more zooming on one thing, trying to find any sort of marking that proves it's worth a billion dollars instead of 50 cents. (I must admit, I totally do that too).

My pictures are pretty shit because I had to, um, zoom in on him from afar. I have tried on a few occasions to get a good shot of him but he is such a hawk that I'm afraid he's going to catch me and then cut me up into pieces and feed me to his mother.

Pudding, Tea and Jumpers.

2011-03-28T22:47:00.000-04:00

Just booked our (almost annual) trip to England today. We're heading there in August.

My old man is British so yea, he talks funny and loves tea.

WTF!? Friday

2011-03-25T09:53:00.000-04:00

FYI people!

This picture makes me want to unclench my fists, patch up all the holes in the walls and channel my constant rage into tender kisses.

Whoa, this guy is really pulling out all of the stops - he's GOING OUT FOR BUSINESS! I wonder what amazing marketing ideas he has up his sleeve? Is he planning on going door to door or something?

WHOA, no taxssths on recliner's's's's!!!!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you a monkey in a shirt on a teacup eating a banana.

Um...seriously? This is a healing temple? And it's part of a 'world-wide' association? I just want to know, can I buy drugs here?

"Daddy, is this what heaven looks like?"

Beware the thrift store sleeper creeper! (Huh? Where? Who?)

"Honey, you go ahead and look around at your bed bug infested thrift store crap. I'm just going to sit in this big ol' chair tucked underneath this here shelf and read a boooo.....kthzzz...zzz..."

Odds & Ends.

2011-03-24T00:57:00.000-04:00

Today I went out on a little thrift run and, although I didn't find much, I did find a weirdo mix of Victorian eccentric granny items that I may just have to keep for my senile elderly years...

The white necklaces are all old and made with glass beads, the granny shoes are old leather oxfords made in Canada, the locket is pretty cool even though I hate lockets but check out the best piece, the totally bizarre furry cat head brooch with crust on his nose!

Whoa! This thing is really strange and I'm kind of in love with it. Who knows, it could even be new and from the dollar store and made out of not-so-human hair but I don't care. Giant furry kitteh head brooch...I love you.

In other news, my number one picker (that's my ma) found me three of these seafoam green office chairs. They're all in mint condition and, although the color reminds me of everything I hate about the dentist and dental care, I love them. I'm selling them at my teeny tiny retail space as I don't think I can handle mailing these suckers too far.

I came across this beauty two weeks ago in Toronto for $20. It's a Carlo of Hollywood original and is the epitome of mid century abstract art. (Carlo of Hollywood created a whole shitload of paintings for department stores to sell as decorative art). I love the colors in it so much. My mom had been looking for something to hang above her couch for ages and when I saw this, I knew I had to get it for her. Now, I must say I did toy with it in my house first in a desperate attempt to steal it away from her but I couldn't find a place that worked. Or if it did work, it worked so well that my living room ended up looking like a mid century movie set. So, off it went and it looks great in her space.

That same day I also found these faux Eames chairs for $6. They're in really rough shape and need an overhaul so stay tuned to see what I manage to do with them. When the weather warms up in the next few weeks and I can paint outside WATCH OUT! I'm going to be on a painting marathon.

Check out these beauties - original boxes and all! I don't think I've ever found Pyrex in the original box before.

Look at that 70s roasted chicken dish...

Plumped and glistening!

Dune Walk.

2011-03-21T11:57:00.000-04:00

WTF!? Friday: Sign Language

2011-03-18T00:27:00.005-04:00

Yay, WTF!? Friday is back after a two week hiatus. This week we're going to zoom in on some idiotic business names so let's start with a recent favorite of mine...

Imagine my delight when I drove by this dump of a place and saw the name of their business, Butterfly Sensations. Bwahahahahahah! What exactly does a butterfly sensation feel like anyway? Just a light little tickle? A yucky spidery sensation? I just don't know but what I do know is that it's really dumb.

What says elegance more than saying it en Francais? What says elegance more than spelling elegance right and wrong on the same sign? And could this place be any more elegant!? Simply gorgeous.

"Say Margaret, have you been to U & I Fashion & Beauty lately? They now carry the highly coveted Everbest line! I heard on the news that those garbage bins had to be put in front of the door to keep the crowds back."

Me: "Did you get diarrhea from that dusty old pepperoni stick you bought at YES?"

You: "YES".

Something tells me that I will not have a good time here, especially with those vertical blinds hanging around in the windows. Maybe I could go and change the sign with some black spray paint so it looks like this:

So many possibilities...

Buuut whaaat if I waaant a thirrrd beeeer, waaaaa!?
(This place is the perfect dirt bag set up - they live in one of those crappy apartments on the second floor and on a Friday night they'll head down to Cash House for a $40 advance on their paycheck. Then they go to Second Beer for 7 beers and then it's over to Papa's Pizza for a stale slice. After all that it's right back upstairs to bed. Repeat.)

Okay seriously, is this bar only open this month? What day is it today, March 18? Is this the right month or was this sign/bar from last month? Hello?

Bedroom Update.

2011-03-17T17:52:00.003-04:00

Well, I thought I might as well, um, brief all youse's on my bedroom redo since it's still not done (and likely never will be, of course). I plan on adding shutters next week and ditching the curtains in a crazy window treatment experiment so we'll see if that flies or not. Let me just say - I hate window treatments. Even the term window treatment makes me get all riled up because I envision valances and sheer curtains dangling on the floor. Anyway, although I do have curtains in my living room, I'd like to keep it at that and just have shutters on all of my upstairs windows. Too bad custom wood shutters that are not ugly California vinyl shutters cost $800,000. Okay, that was overly dramatic.

So yea, I painted the back wall army green (Dakota Woods Green by Benjamin Moore) and painted the reading lights black. I also made some throw pillows from really old homespun blankets I bought at an auction a few years ago. I'm really trying to go communist in this room (does that even make any sense?) so that's where my inspiration comes from. You can just go ahead and call me Li'l Commando.

My cat Badooda is a communist you know...

I bought a great rug from Ikea that works well under the bed. Also, in case you missed it, check out my older posts about the weirdo bull's ball light hanging in here as well as the mega DDIY starburst ceiling medallion.

Some day I'll get rid of this damn Malm bed and upgrade to something unique! Damn you Malm!

I recently found this awesome 1950s map of Greece that was hand drawn and colored. I love all of the military colors in it...(duh!)

I can't say I know why I'm obsessed with all things army because I really don't know. This obsession has been stuck with me for quite a long time (literally too, as I have a few military style tattoos permanently stuck to my arms) and extends into my taste for fashion and graphic design also. Let it just be known that I hate camouflage! Anyway, I'm rambling now, right? I'll update you next week about the shutters as well as a few other things I have planned.

Should I just join the army and get over this crap?
Even though I don't believe in past lives, could I have been a Li'l Commando in a past life?

Old & Run Down

2011-03-14T10:51:00.000-04:00

(I know, my blog is totally depressing!)

Hoarding Photos of Hoarder's Houses: 20 Car Pile Up

2011-03-10T13:41:00.000-05:00

You know, a lot of the hoarder houses around here look eerily alike - old, dilapidated red brick farm houses with cars and crap all over the place.

There is one thing that sets this place apart from some of the other houses I've featured though...

Every single car on this property is FULL of crap! Every single one, even the one they drive! Can you imagine what the inside of that trailer looks like!? They also have a rotten transport truck in their side yard. It makes me wonder what the hell goes around here on a daily basis. It's a terrifying thought.

I have no clue what those white hanging things are. I thought it might have been suet for the birds but it's not. It's probably just old, decaying maxi pads hanging on strings. Totally normal.

This place is my worst nightmare. It looks like they're storing a ton of wooden pallets all over the place, why do hoarders always go for pallets!? I mean, it's highly unlikely they're ever going to make anything cool out of them, right? And why keep that crap in your car? I can't see anything in there that doesn't look like landfill.

No need to keep that pylon there people, no one is coming to visit - ever!

Can you imagine what they'd cook you for dinner!?

Has anyone ever made a horror movie about hoarders?

If this was your parent's house, would you disown them?

Smash

2011-03-09T16:15:00.001-05:00

Last weekend I was in Toronto (they call it Terranna where I live now) and managed to hit a shop in The Junction that I'd seen while doing a drive by a while ago. I immediately noticed this place because of the Ontario coat of arms they have for their sign.

I'm a sucker for stuff like this - anchors, ships, crests, crowns, old flags, eagles - anything to do with symbols of heraldry and/or power I'm right into. Don't ask me why though because I have no bloody clue, I just am okay!? If I could climb up a ladder and pry this sucker off in the night I would.

I asked the owner where it came from and he seems to think it was from an old LCBO (that's the liquor store for all you non-Ontario folk). Anyway, this store is awesome and if you're in Toronto you should definitely check it out. It is a shop/gallery and is ever changing with both merchandise and installations. The place is deceptively large inside and has a whole shitload of industrial eye candy. They also have quite a bit of Canadiana items like old snowshoes, canoes, maple leaf flag poles, etc that you don't come by too often. I don't know why but Canadiana never seems to get the credit it deserves so I was super glad to see so much of it here. Anyway, as if you US folk care 'aboot' any of that!

There are so many great signs in this place and lots of salvaged bits and pieces.

Speaking of awesome signs and salvage and eagles...why I didn't buy this sign is beyond me! I'm an idiot! I love it and didn't even think to find out how much it cost. I should smash myself in the face for that oversight. (I have a feeling that it may not even be for sale though, nor should it be!)

Oh my god, could this whole situation here just uproot itself into my house? That sign, the desk, I'll even take the Day of the Dead skulls, sure! Now, I must say, this place isn't cheap. It's no thrift store but it is really inspiring to just check it out even if you only have 16 cents in your bank account. They do have a few lower priced items though, like sign letters and custom screen printed posters. For $40 you can get a really great print of anything from mustaches to old maps to the Ontario coat of arms. Wait, I can get a print of that!?
Sign me up!

I bought one of these for my hallway to tide me over until I find my very own solid metal antique coat of arms. I went with a friend of mine and she also bought a great print of an old Canada map...

So, if you're into shit like this and you don't know why but you want one and need cool, cheap art, this place is perfect for you. I realized when I checked their site that they sell a few of these on Etsy, too (I don't condone that 'Keep Calm and Carry On Poster' though!). If you're REALLY nice to the owner (his name is Paul) maybe he'll even give you a deal on one if you buy it in the store. Just tell him that the girl from The Vintage Cabin sent you (he will likely have no clue what you're talking about but you'll look really cool saying it anyway).

Smash is located at 2880 Dundas Street West, Toronto.

Almost Everyone's Dream House, No?

2011-03-08T12:06:00.000-05:00

Really, who doesn't want a house like this? Don't get me wrong, I love really old houses (and 50s bungalows, industrial lofts, etc etc) but this house, this amazing piece of architectural beauty, really gets the drool flowing.

It's located just down the street from my sister's (amazing) house and it is just being finished now. They had been building it for well over a year and, holy shitballs, I'd love to see inside!

Although there are a ton of huge windows all along the front, all of the living space looks to be at the back of the house and is well hidden from prying eyes (like mine) on the street. You can catch a glimpse of the staircase and a small bit of their dining room table but that's about it (damn!).

Of course it has geothermal heating and probably 600 other kinds of advanced hippie stuff happening in there.

This is where they store their flying eco car that runs solely on coffee grounds and dirty diapers. Okay, not really, but there's got to be a Prius in there or something. I think you'd even look like a champ if you drove a great big 1982 Ford Mercury with no muffler out of that garage because it's just so perfectly designed.

I probably don't even need to see inside as it most likely looks how you'd imagine it would with all of the classics piled in there; George Nelson bubble lamps, Eames chairs, Knoll tables and couches, etc etc.

As stereotypically Dwell as this place is, I'm still in awe.

Kumbaya

2011-03-07T22:56:00.000-05:00

WTF!? Friday: Back in Two Weeks

2011-03-04T12:14:00.000-05:00

Hey gang! I just wanted to let you know that WTF!? Friday will resume again on March 18. I have to go out of town and have a life for the next two weekends (and hopefully fill up my treasure trove of weirdness at the same time). Until then, would you like to take a ride with me in my DIY scooter thinger? Or, you could just walk beside me at the same speed...

N.E.E.T. Feature!

2011-03-02T21:40:00.001-05:00

I just want to send out a big thanks to N.E.E.T. Magazine for the feature of my house and shop in their latest issue (Spring 2011, pages 182 - 191). As always, it's well worth the read and wonderful eye candy viewing so check it, ya's all! xo

Black Barns.

2011-03-01T00:26:00.002-05:00

It's only March 1st, but I'm already getting antsy for spring to get its sorry ass here so I can start some outdoor projects. The first big thing I have to do is paint the house. The entire damn house! That is going to be a huge and painful job but it will be worth it in the end (unless I fall off the ladder and kill myself). We've decided that we're going to paint it a really dark charcoal gray that I'm pretty excited about. I took a photo of a somewhat boring looking storefront the other day that is exactly the color we're going for...

Of course, I can't just paint the house and be done with it. Oh noooo! I have to match the barn with the house, something I've been wanting/trying to do since we bought the place. Not matchy matchy but...okay, maybe a little bit. Anyway, like most barns, ours is pretty damn old. And a lot of the wood is pieced together and mismatched and some of it is rotten. There was an addition built on the side about 20 years ago that was done in board and batten that clearly doesn't go with the traditional barn board style.

In order to fix the barn so it all has one style of siding, we'd have to spend a lot of cash and time that we're just not willing to part with right now. We thought about doing board and batten on the whole thing but until I go on The Price is Right and win both showcases, that just isn't going to happen. So, the decision has been made to paint the sucker black! (Well, solid stain it black). I love me a black barn and whenever I see one I get a little 666 with excitement. I am hoping that the black stain will hide the hodgepodge siding issues and work well with the house that has black trim. Here are a few images of black barns that I've been oggling...

Photo: Elle Decor

Photo: outdoors.webshots.com

Photo: Black Barn Winery

Photo: LV Series (Picasa)

So, what do you think. Will my black barn burn down from the blazing heat it will attract?

Will people think we're Satanists?

Should I change my fashion style to 'rural rustic goth' to match everything?

Oh Hey, Hay.

2011-02-28T20:25:00.000-05:00

WTF!? Friday

2011-02-25T12:17:00.002-05:00

"Well howdy there, ya's all! My name is Bert Jiggs-Juggs and I'd like to welcome you to Plywood Farms."

"Oh hi there sexy, my name is Brandi-Lynn Jiggs-Juggs and I'm just enjoying a relaxing day by the lattice and chicken wire fence."

"YEE HAWWW! Just another day workin' hard on the farm. Say, do you see them geese birds flyin' all in a straight line? Nature sure is perrty!"

Whoa! Apparently Tammi Jiggs-Juggs was too busy to talk as she was kicking ass in a race against a ghost driven horse and buggy. Go Tammi!

I'm not sure what she's trying to do with her hair, but it's not really working. What is working though is her awesome flipped up 80s handlebars and no hands mad skillz! Kill it on the scene, girl!

"I'm Pawpy Jiggs-Juggs and just wanted to thank all youse guys for stoppin' by. We really know how to have fun and let loose here so if you wanna stop in for a beer some day just come on by (and bring your own beer cuz we don't share)."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Um, do you ever wonder what the deal is with people and their crazy lawn decorations? Are they actually cool, interesting people you could party with who are just giving the finger to the typical suburban style landscape or are they total whack jobs who are just completely out to lunch? Take this next place. It's pretty banal looking except for that hot pink piano on the front lawn...

Look a little closer and you'll see Betty "weird boobs" Boop hanging out on top!

And lastly, this next strange display isn't quite lawn decor but it's in a similar realm. I saw this pair in the window of a clinic in Toronto that sells dentures and hearing aids. I nearly drove the car into a hydrant when I saw them!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Not only are they a pair of weirdos but that poster on the left with the teeth just takes the whole scene right over the top.

Minnie Mouse slippers and a boa! What a trendsetter.

Gramps looks like a cross between Einstein and Colonel Sanders...

Those hands! Ahhhhhh! I could NOT eat a pie baked by those hands.
(I must admit, making these things looks like it would take some skill, albeit strange apple doll style skills, but skill nonetheless.)

Is skill a word? I just said it too many times and now it doesn't sound right.
Do you like anything enough to have a shrine of it on your lawn?
Do you have any lawn decor at your house?
Did you drive a flipped up handlebar dirt bag speed bike in the 80s or are you too young for that shit?

How NOT to Build a Porch.

2011-02-23T16:29:00.001-05:00

Looking Up.

2011-02-21T13:23:00.001-05:00

WTF!? Friday

2011-02-18T14:44:00.000-05:00

Peek-a-boo!

Here's what I got my old man for Valentine's Day...

Speaking of trucks, the other day I had to pick up a few items at the local Bulk Barn and I came out to find this glorious machine in front of my car.

WEEPEE!? Okay, I get it! Your truck is yellow and pee is yellow and you can also say, "I have to take a wee," instead of pee. Hrm, normally I'd think something like this was kind of awesome and consider their weird sense of humor a nice change from the usual, um, flow, but there is something awfully annoying about this whole thing. Perhaps it's the Tweety Bird license plate frame or that huge DODGE bullshiz on the windshield. It's just lame. It has given me a calling though and that is to find me a big old clunker truck, paint it brown and get my own personalized license plate that says BWLMVMNT. On the sides I'm gonna make it say DUMP TRUCK in huge letters. If you saw me roll into town in something like that, would I be awesome? Or would I deserve a punch in the mouth? Or both?

Speaking of, um, the colors of poop and pee...could this place be any more bleak?

Could I offer you a snack?

Okay, what is happening here? Is that one garlic bulb dude looking to smash his garlic friend into bits? And from behind, no less!? And how is smashed garlic a snack? Shit, I should have bought this plate.

This would make a MUCH better and non-violent snack, methinks.

And last but not least, I'd like to introduce you to the real life Li'l Mr. T!

He's so small that even the photo is teeny weeny low pixel!

Now, I have to confess, I did not take this photo nor did I meet this awesome dude in person but I just had to share him with ya's all. A loving and old time friend of mine, Lisa Michelle from NYC's Court, went to Vegas last week and met this li'l mofo in the bathroom. How lucky was she!? (Well, hopefully not TOO lucky...)

OCD Medications.

2011-02-16T20:59:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Uptight Time Warp Pharmacy.

Please ensure that you keep everything strategically aligned and pushed right to the front of the shelf while you shop.

123, 321, 123, 321, 1, 2, 3, 3, 2, 1.
(Ahem, sorry. I have a chronic counting problem.)

"Joanne to aisle 4, Joanne to aisle 4 for an emergency restock on baby formula! We've got a gap on the shelf! Code blue!"

I love how conveniently I can find a copy of Ground Beef magazine with this highly organized system!

Who owns this joint anyway? Can you imagine the hell of working here each day?

Glacial.

2011-02-14T11:48:00.001-05:00

Hitting Pause on the Thrift Store Conveyor Belt.

2011-02-13T15:08:00.000-05:00

The last 2 weeks have been pretty good to me in thrift store land. I don't normally post much about my finds because they fly in and out of here so fast I can barely process them. Well, this week I thought I would share a few things I came across that, to me, stood out from the usual assembly line of stuff.

I found a few new pieces of furniture for the house (which means I have yet another pile of painting and reorganizing projects to work on) and some great stuff for the shop. My favorite furniture find was a harvest style table with an old, simple wood base and a 50s classroom formica with chrome top. I have been wanting something bigger (and non-teak) for ages and really wanted a harvest style table, but I find they're either too "country pine" with turned legs or they're WAY out of my price range. So you can imagine how happy I was to find this sucker for $28!

It was covered in old computer monitors and I didn't even notice it when we checked out that section. My ma, with her zoomer capabilities, spotted it from across the room and we both ran for it. The top was pretty scratched up and will have to be replaced sooner than later. I plan on getting some old barn board, having it planed and glued into one big slab for the top. This way, I can even extend the size a little bit more so all of my poopy bummed cats and dog can find seating at our weekly disciplinary meetings. So, for now, I have painted the entire top (including the chrome sides as they were trashed and not salvageable) high gloss black. It'll do the trick until I can find a low cost but high impact replacement option.

(You know what a new table means though, right? I now have to rethink the whole room. Ugh.)

Speaking of my ma, she found herself yet another Lotte lamp for her collection for a cool $8.

And I found this incredible fabric that I plan to list in the shop. I kinda hate to sell it but it just doesn't go with anything (although it could very well go with something once i have redecorated my house 16 times in the next year...)

And I found a super nice Dansk pepper mill for next to nothing which has already come and gone from the shop.

I'm in love with this $2 West German pottery bowl I found. It now has a new home on my living room coffee table.

Speaking of green, I thought this was a pretty rad cotton sheet that will also be in the shop soon.

And last but not least, I also picked up a FABULOUS case of the flu. It's a mid century style flu so I guess all of this luck comes with a price...

WTF!? Friday: Special Collector's Guide to Dolls.

2011-02-11T13:03:00.001-05:00

Oh hai!

Today we're going to take a look at some really stupid looking dolls. I will tell you right now that this will not be the last time I post about my obsession with these plastic bundles of joy. I see them all the time when I'm out and about and can't help but to laugh at the insanity. I never really understood dolls much. I mean, I get it when a 2 year old has a doll and carries it around and stuff but when you get to be in your 20s...40s...60s+ and collect dolls and display them on little stands around the house? Lock those bitches up!

This stunning ray of sunshine was part of the "I just married my dad" collection by Elegant Creations.

This beauty is from the "I'm a gonna kick yer sorta Victorian yet kinda Mormon ass" collection put out by Dippy Dolls in Utah.

This round headed wonder was meticulously designed by Libby T. Treasures Inc. as part of their "Nothing Compares 2 U" line of dolls.

"Ticking Time Bomb Babies" were put out by a company called Bratty Kids R Trashin' The Joint back in 1989. Just set the timer and watch as they trash your house and poop their pants so hard it flies out the back of their pants!

Ahh, the beloved "Gloria Doll" released as a limited edition by Medusa Moments based in Nashville, Tennessee. No matter what you do to style her hair, it just won't look how you want it to. You can crimp it, curl it, straighten it or throw some mousse on it and it just boings back into a shit fest right before your eyes! (Kinda like my hair).

Now I don't know if any of you recall the Anita series put out by Lobotomy Designs from Bath, England but they really did some, um, stunning work in their heyday. Look at little "Anita Coffee" and her adorable, vacuous expression here. It's nothing short of a masterpiece.

And how can we forget little "Anita Taika Poopy" in her swimmingly gorgeous pink gown?

Oh and I should also mention their native line that was released after years of complaints from customers who wanted some diversity. This was "Anita Passwind" who became one of their most popular and magnificent creations ever released.

And finally, the one you've all been waiting for, "Li'l Chompers". This museum quality doll will tear your heart out whole with her gorgeous smile.

RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!

DIY Starburst Ceiling Medallion

2011-02-09T12:48:00.001-05:00

A few months ago, I came across a photo of a house in Sweden or Denmark or Norway (somewhere in the nether regions) and was immediately taken by the starburst ceiling medallions. I started out on a hunt to find one even remotely similar to the ones in the photo and...

...that didn't happen. I hunted high and low for one and came up nada. So I thought, how hard can it be to make my own? Well, as it turns out not too hard, if you know someone who is good at math and measuring. So, with the help of my old man, I went for it and here's how I did it:

What you will need:
1-2 Pieces of Mat Board
Tape
Polyfilla
Paint
Hockey Tape and Painter's Tape
Wallpaper Paste
Construction Adhesive
Fine Sandpaper

Step 1: Measure out the size of the ceiling plate/cap that this will sit around and determine how big you want this sucker to be. I decided to make ours 12" for the longest beams and 6" for the shortest and it's 8 beams in total. Because our upstairs is WAY old and the ceilings are low, I couldn't make mine as big as the one pictured so it's closer in size to the one in the background.

Step 2: Make a SUPER crappy drawing with your measurements so you have an idea of what's what.

Step 3: This is the hardest part and something I would not be capable of doing myself since I have no patience when it comes to making straight lines. I also suck at math. My old man, very accurately, measured and drew out the base that the beams would attach to. We decided to use mat board for the skeleton of the medallion as it is very sturdy, thin and lightweight and can really hold shape well.

Step 4: Once the base is made, now comes the super duper challenging part of cutting out the beams and forming them. My man cut out the 4 small beams first, cutting a triangular piece that included an extra section on the end that would all fold together. To do this, he cut the end bit right through so it would bend right over and close in the beam and then scored them down the middle. (I don't think I'm explaining this part too well because even I don't quite understand what the hell I'm talking about. If you look at the picture then maybe it will be clearer).

Step 5: He taped together each beam so they would hold their shape. Once they were all done, he taped them all to the base that he had initially made to form the skeleton.

Step 6: With the skeleton formed, in true Canadian form I decided to crack out some hockey tape. I needed something to layer over everything so it formed a smooth surface that would protect the mat board from water (the next step involves paper mache). If the board got wet with paint and glue it would start to lose its shape so this step is important. The great thing about hockey tape is that it is very pliable and easy to work with. Here is how it looked after the layer of tape was applied:

Step 7: Now it's time to get grade school on your own ass and whip out some wallpaper paste and newspaper. Paper mache, yay! I used plain newspaper so I wouldn't have to worry about too many coats of white paint to hide it but use whatever you have. Cut up some strips and layer them as smoothly and evenly as possible, as the ultimate goal here is to have this medallion be free of creases and lines. It needs to look like it was made from plaster when it's done. Just do one layer. Also, at some point before or during this process you need to cut out your hole so you can paper mache over the edges.

Step 8: Shit, there are a lot of steps. This may be more of a DDIY perhaps (don't do it yourself). Okay, after the paper mache has dried, I applied a thin layer of Polyfilla (aka crack filler) over the whole thing to smooth it out and get rid of any lines.

Step 9: Once the Polyfilla has dried, sand it all smoooooooooooth. The smoother the better.

Step 10: Is that sucker smooth? Yea? Great! Let's glue the damn thing to the ceiling. Use construction adhesive and make sure it adheres FAST! You don't want to use regular glue or an adhesive that will allow this thing to move or worse, fall off while it's drying. Put lots of glue on each beam and around the center and stick it up there!

Step 11: Once it is in place, wipe off any excess glue around the edges and then use some painter's tape for extra support while it grips to your ceiling. Let it dry for about 14+ hours. (At this point you'd better like it! If not, it may rip down a huge chunk of drywall if you try and rip it off...)

Step 12 (The last step!): Once it has dried, you will need to use more Pollyfilla to seal around all of the edges so it gives a nice, seamless transition from the medallion to the ceiling. Just smear the compund into all of the gaps, etc and make sure it's smooth. You may have to do two layers if the gaps are wide enough. Once that has dried, sand that shiz SMOOOOOTH and get ready to paint! I wanted my medallion to kind of blend in with the ceiling so I painted it the same color. I did two coats and, dare I say, I was finished!

So there you have it! I think it turned out pretty well for a homemade endeavor. I have a plan to make a second medallion but it won't be a starburst and it will be for a wall rather than a light so watch for it!
I will show you how this looks in the context of the entire room very soon, once I can dig up some wood shutters and do a few last tweaks. It's been a sloooow transformation.

Einar. Geriatric Lolcat.

2011-02-07T20:50:00.001-05:00

WTF!? Friday

2011-02-04T09:26:00.000-05:00

It's been a slower week than usual for absurdities but I still managed to dig up a couple of things for y'all to enjoy. I thought I would start with a special that was advertised at the crappy local grocery store a few months back. I did tweet this, so it is regurgitated to some, but I thought I'd give it a more permanent home here.

Last week, I went a bit off the beaten path to a few thrift stores in another county. Unfortunately the trip was a total bust. After several hours of hunting and driving, all I found was one piece of milk glass. When I came out to get the car, I glanced at the meter and saw this...

Speaking of fail...this little restaurant used to be in Toronto. It only lasted about 6 months or so...I don't know why...

Does anyone (who is worried about their man cheating on them) need to get their nails did?

The other day, I saw a neanderthal cop at one of my local thrift stores and his head was practically scraping the ceiling. I swear he was 7 1/2 feet tall. At first I thought, "Whoa, holy shit that guy is a giraffe cop, maybe he should have been a fireman instead," and then some redneck lady with a smoker's cough yelled out to him, "Hey! I still need to take down my Christmas lights, eh!?" At that point I kinda felt really sorry for the guy. He just muttered some half-witted comeback to her and kept walking. Oh well, no time for sadness when I can paparazzi him right then and there! In hindsight, it would have been REALLY awesome if I had asked the smoker-throat lady to take a photo of me (aka Midge) with the giant cop. Ahh, regrets!

(Look at all that crap on the shelves! Seriously. Who is going to buy any of that, especially that bottle of garlic/pepper oil?)

And finally...

On Tuesday I had to go to the local paint shop to get a quart for my fireplace paint job. It's a small shop that's kind of dumpy but the guy who runs it is super nice, possibly the nicest guy in the world. He's really into photography and he has a few nice shots on display behind the cash. Along with his photos, he has an award hanging up...something he won in the local photography contest. When I saw his name...and the category he won for...I fumbled around like an immature fool looking for my camera. I had to sneak a shot in while his back was turned, so it's not the best quality but...you get the point.

Grey + Grayer = White. (The Conclusion)

2011-02-03T16:26:00.001-05:00

Well, I put on my magical painting claw again this morning and slapped some decorator's white paint on the fireplace after yesterday's fiasco.

I think I'm happy with this now. I should have done this first and not bothered to try that pastel grey fo' shizzle drizzle but that's the way paint goes sometimes. Now I just have to find a new comfy yet stylin' chair, a new rug, a new entrance way bench, a new mantel (ahem, Morgan) and some black shutters and I'm done. (Pfft, yea right!)

Grey + Grayer.

2011-02-02T15:59:00.000-05:00

Aww shit, what have I done now? Last week, I bought these really nice vases from a crazy Etsy shop for a great price. They're all from the 1950s and were made by Poole Pottery in England. Instead of just unpacking them, fondling them for a bit and then setting them somewhere and calling it a day, I decided I needed to paint the fireplace wall. Wait, huh?

The wall around the fireplace has been 5 different colors since we moved in and has been chartreuse for the last year or so (I know, it's a love or hate kinda color). I've been getting sick of it lately and wanted to paint it something else to mix it up but have been stuck on what color to do. Yesterday, during the ominous chatter about the impending snowpocalypse, I must have been brainwashed. I stopped at the paint store and the first colors I picked up had names like Eye of the Storm, Hailstorm, Obscure Sky and Freezing Rain. With my hypnotized googly eyes, I said to the guy, "I would like to paint my fireplace this Grey Drizzle color. Please mix some of this shit up for me."

So, I spent the morning painting and...I think I kinda hate it.

I dunno, it's not atrocious or anything but it's looking REALLY suburban to me. I am hearing the skeebabadabada music from Candice Olson's crappy show looping through my head every time I look at it. Maybe I just need to get used to it or add in some color or something...maybe I should just redecorate the entire living room around it. I'm thinking that if I don't like it in a week it will get painted white and demoted from it's 'feature wall' status. Take THAT stupid fireplace wall, you're fired!

Pierre, My Canine Comedian.

2011-01-31T12:30:00.001-05:00

(I know it's blurry but it's still funny, no?)

WTF!? Friday

2011-01-28T10:51:00.001-05:00

This week I have a few great WTF!? duos for you as well as a few random stragglers. I'll start with stupid potato inventions...wait, what?

NEVER BEEN USED! $5!

Gee, I wonder why this was never used...perhaps because it's a useless piece of crap!? Who's going to thinly slice a potato, strategically place each slice in the tray, nuke them until they're dried and withered and then serve them up with ketchup and some weird creamy dip!? NOBODY! Also, the box says it's perfect for bagels and steamed vegetables. WTF!? You gonna make steamed carrot chips in this thing!? And what kind of bagel could slip into this slot? Ugh!

Next up? The Rotato!

Could there be a more uptight and anal retentive way to peel a potato? I mentioned this stupid thing on Twitter a little while back and am still laughing at it. This is an invention that is destined for the thrift store the moment it leaves the factory.

Now let's move on to a pair of of redneck truck scenes, shall we? We'll start with this old clunker (with testicles) that's filled with old refrigerators...

Yesterday, I saw another dirt covered truck with the following sticker on the back window:

Yea, so there. Just an FYI, k?

Shall we move onto a sad/funny/bizarre/OMG is he dead!? kind of scene that I saw a few months ago? Sure!

(He wasn't dead, he was just wasted and needed a nap...and a high interest loan.)

Apparently it was -124 degrees celsius on Monday so I got a quick loan, threw on my bikini and ran next door to Coconuts Travel and yelled, "Show me the coconuts!"

Now it's time for a few random finds...

Holy shit, you'd have to be He-Man to lift these suckers into your house, right? They'd fall right through the floor of an average house, no? WRONG! They're as heavy as a... piece of styrofoam. These are so faux and shockingly ugly. They're the kind of thing someone would have bought at a really bad suburban 200,000 square foot mega flea market in the late 80s.

And finally...let's just take a moment to admire the product photography from President's Choice (specialty food from Canadian grocery store chain, Loblaws). Is that appetizing!? Why such a zoomed in shot of that Swiss chicken thing!? It doesn't help that the word breast is so prominent on there, either. I think the only President who would choose something like this goes by the name of Silvio Berlusconi...except he's not a President, he's a Prime Minister so that joke doesn't really work. Oh well.